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He sighed. “Been fightin’ with this since I met him. Especially since that night at the wedding. I don’t know what it is, exactly. I’m not like, in love with him or anything. He’s just…he’s…”
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
“I kinda like your idea, about the three of us. But…”
“…it can’t happen,” she finished quietly, crossing her arms.
Not Yet (31)
Fifty-seven miles.
That’s how far Ryan had gotten into his 115-mile drive to Worcester before having to pull over the Hyundai Tucson he’d rented.
Luckily, there was a rest stop nearby as soon as he felt it coming on, so he quickly exited the highway, found a secluded spot, and reclined his seat back. Trying some of the new techniques he’d gone over with Dr. Gephart, his therapist, he took a few deep breaths and repeated, “This is going to pass. This is going to pass.”
But it wasn’t passing.
“You can also focus on your happy place,” she’d told him. “Think about where you feel most relaxed, most calm.”
He closed his eyes, picturing himself on the ice as a kid. Growing up in Minnesota, his dad flooded the backyard every winter so he had a place to practice, and when he thought about his happiness, that’s where it was: the silent, frozen world where he was still the star, where his dad was still alive, where hockey was still fun, and where his heart was still intact. This used to be his happy place.
But it wasn’t anymore.
He couldn’t get his breathing to slow down, and he’d begun to sweat through his shirt. Unbuckling his seatbelt, he tore his jacket off and tossed it onto the passenger seat. He reached into the cup holder for his phone, and his first instinct was to call her.
But he knew he couldn’t.
The next option was Luke, who picked up on the third ring.
“What’s goin’ on, Ry?”
“Luke? I…fucked up. I really…fucked up!” he cried into the phone.
“Are you OK? Where are you?”
“Um…” He looked around. “Somewhere near…Hartford, I think.”
“What’s wrong? You having a panic attack?”
“Yes.”
“Put me on speaker.” Luke walked him through the grounding steps, and as he’d gotten down to one, he felt his breathing begin to return to normal. ”How you feeling?”
“Better,” he said quietly, putting his seat back up and running his hands through his sweat-soaked hair. “I’m OK now.”
“So what’s goin’ on?”
Ryan told him everything he’d purposely kept a secret the last few times they’d spoken: the failed open relationship, the threesomes with Kaylie and Hayes, the breakup, the therapy, Hayes’s NHL debut, the fight, and his reassignment to the Railers. “In like, two months, I’ve somehow managed to completely fuck up every aspect of my entire life, Luke. And I don’t have the first clue how to fix any of it.”
“Ry, sometimes you can’t fix it. Sometimes you have to just play the hand you’ve been dealt and move forward. Look at Mom. Think she ever thought she’d be a widow in her early 40’s? She didn’t fix that, but she’s moving forward.”
“I don’t understand how I can love her so much when there’s nothing we can do to make it work. And I hate that she’s so close to him. It makes me sick.”
Luke exhaled. “How sure are you that you love her? Are you sure you’re not just infatuated with her? You don’t…no offense, Ry, but you don’t have a whole lot of experience in this field.”
He didn’t really have a good answer. “I just know.”
“Maybe this two-week break from her is a good thing. See if you still feel the same way after not talking to her at all.”
