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“So, is that true? That you talk about me all the time?”
“I can neither confirm nor deny these accusations against me.”
He reached up to where her hand rested on his chest and intertwined his fingers with hers. “Hey: all I do is think about you.”
“Ryan, don’t…”
“No, don’t ‘shush’ me. Let me talk, OK? I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I don’t understand why you’re so hell-bent on fighting this. We’re compatible emotionally, we’re ridiculously compatible physically. What else do you need?”
“I need to heal, Ryan!” She raised her voice, startling him. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to yell. But that’s what I need. I have good moments, this being one of them, but my heart is still very much broken. I know you don’t understand that, but it’s so beyond broken. And I honestly don’t know if it will ever not be.”
“Maybe there’s a reason I don’t understand it, Amara. You’ve never told me about it.”
“Because I don’t like to talk about it, Ryan. That’s why.”
“Funny. You had no problem talking to Hayes about it.”
“Oh my God. I’m gonna kick his ass!” she groaned.
“Hey, you wanted us to talk, so we talked. Boys gossip way worse than girls do. Especially hockey boys. We’re the worst.”
“Apparently. So, he told you?”
“Yes. And Amara, you didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” He kissed the top of her head. “Why won’t you open up to me?”
“Because I don’t want you to judge me.”
“As if I’m in a position to judge anyone.”
“Stop. I’m serious. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be cheated on, especially after you’ve taken marriage vows? When you think you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, and the next thing you know, you’re selling all your shit and paying for a divorce lawyer? You spend every waking moment blaming yourself, wondering what you could’ve done differently, what you did to cause it.”
“It’s not your fault, Amara. He was a piece of shit who didn’t deserve you. You’ve gotta know that.”
“He really wasn’t though. That’s the worst part. I’m angry and I’m hurt, but he wasn’t a bad man. He just…he fucked up, and unfortunately, some mistakes are more costly than others. The worst part is how stupid I feel for thinking I’d found ‘the one’, like that’s even a real thing. I just thought at this point in my life, I’d be a mom, I’d have this perfect, happy little life, maybe driving the kids to soccer practice or some shit. Not lying naked after getting railed by some gorgeous 23-year-old hockey player whose cock is a heat-seeking missile for my G-spot. No offense.”
“Yeah, none taken.”
“And it’s sucked, but I’ve come to grips with the fact that the life I planned for myself? It’s never,” she stopped, getting choked up. “It’s never gonna happen. My entire world was taken from me, all of it, in an instant. Me and him? We had our problems like everyone else, but we made plans for the long haul, and one instant killed all of it. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom, Ryan, and I’ll never get to have that now. Trust me, I want nothing more than to move on, but it’s not that simple.” She wiped her face bitterly. “And I’m just…so fucking angry. And afraid. I don’t wanna get close to someone else just to have it taken away from me in an instant again.”
“You think I don’t understand that? My dad went out one night to pick up dinner for him and my mom and was killed by some drunk asshole who ran a red light. That happened in an instant, too. That’s life, Amara. Shit happens, but you don’t stop living. You can’t. Certain risks,” he squeezed her hand, “will always be worth taking.”
“So, what is it you want from me, Ryan? This old, broken, grumpy bitch. What are you looking for with this?”
“Honestly?”
“Yes.”
“I wanna be your man.”
“Jesus, Ryan.”
“Yeah, I know. How crazy, right? Listen, I’m sorry that all happened to you. And I’m just as broken as you, but maybe I can help you heal. You don’t have to do this alone, Amara. I wanna help you, and I want you to help me. So, I’m young. Fuck all that noise. I wanna be your man. I wanna hold your hand in public. When you introduce me to people, I want you to say, ‘This is my boyfriend, Ryan’, not ‘This is my roommate, Ryan.’ That’s what I want from you, from this. And you can play this little game with me all night, OK? But I know you feel it, too. And if I’m wrong? Then maybe you should head back to your own bed.”
He reached over onto his nightstand and turned the light off, then wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her closer to him.
Where the hell did that come from? she thought, though admittedly turned on by his sudden boldness. He was sound asleep before she could even think about responding, so she gave herself permission to get comfy in his arms.
Just this once, though.
