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“Always those older women,” Ryan teased.
“Um, no. It’s not even like that. She’s a grandma, dude. For real.”
“I know. I’m fucking with you. So the meetings: how are those going?” Ryan raised a hand to Hayes’s head, dragging his fingers through his hair lazily as they talked, little whimpers involuntarily escaping Hayes.
“They’re alright, I guess. It’s a lot of what they call cognitive behavioral therapy. Identifying how fucked up some of my thought patterns have become throughout all this, learning different ways to cope when I have cravings and shit.”
“Yeah, I do a lot of that with Dr. Gephart, too. Changing the way you think is a real bitch, huh?”
“You ain’t kiddin’. But that’s the bulk of it. It’s the same stuff I do with Dr. Rosa. I didn’t realize it, but I really needed to change my thinkin’. The drugs weren’t just treatin’ my shoulder pain. There was…there was a lot of mental pain I was numbin’ with them, too. Still is. I just…gotta find different ways to deal with it now. Safer ways.
“Ryan, this was all lyin’ dormant under the surface. I hid it for a really long time, pushed it down. Got away with not dealin’ with it. It…it caught up with me, you know?”
Ryan brought his other hand to Hayes’s head and ran both of them through his hair, causing him to drop his head back onto Ryan’s shoulder. “Tyler? I hope you know how proud I am of you. OK, so you messed up. But you’re bettering yourself, getting help. I’m so proud of you for that.” Ryan rolled his face to the side and kissed Hayes’s cheek. “Beyond proud.”
“Thank you. And thank you for not leavin’ me to do this on my own. I know I fucked up bad and I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did.”
“You made a mistake. OK? Let’s be honest: I could fuck a million other people. You could fuck a million other people. Hayes, I’m…not going anywhere.”
“So, can I call you my boyfriend again?”
Ryan took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he removed his hands from Hayes’s hair. “It’s not that simple, Hayes.”
Hayes scoffed, releasing his grip on Ryan’s forearms. “Nah? Seems pretty simple to me, Rook. You just fucked me, you keep tellin’ me how much you love me and that you ain’t goin’ anywhere. What’s the issue?”
“What’s the issue?” Ryan asked, becoming annoyed. “The issue? You lied. You lied to me about everything. Literally everything. For months. I need…I need…fuck, Hayes. I don’t know what I need.”
Hayes turned around to face Ryan, raking his hands slowly through Ryan’s messy blond locks. “Whatever it is you need? Let me give it to you. I’m…gonna be better. I am better, Rook. I wanna be the one to give you whatever you need, not someone else. Me. Not some fuckin’ random teammate.”
Hayes paused for a moment, acknowledging the hypocrisy behind that statement, while Ryan teared up under the weight of indecision: dying to jump right back into Hayes’s arms while also desperate to adhere to his new relationship boundaries.
“So like, how do we do this? Tyler: how do we do this?”
Hayes wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck, lifting his legs and settling himself into his lap, resting his head on Ryan’s shoulder. “I don’t have the first fuckin’ clue, Rook. I just know that I love you more than anything and if you tell me to do somethin’, I’ll do it. I’ll do it, Ryan. I don’t wanna lose you. I wanna spend the rest of my life pissin’ you right the fuck off.”
Ryan snickered, kissing the top of Hayes’s head. “How about this: you finish your inpatient treatment, we’ll work on things through your sober living, and once we make sure you’re in the right headspace, we can fix us. I just…need you better, Hayes. I need the old Tyler Hayes back. I miss him.”
Hayes nodded, breathing deeply and closing his eyes, feeling his breath sync with Ryan’s and melting into the feeling of their bodies moving slowly together. “He’s still here. And he’s still very much in love with you.”
There was a short silence, with Ryan finally breaking it. “So, hey. I have to ask you something.”
“Go for it, stud.”
“What’s the plan with TK? When all of this is over. How do you…I mean, are you gonna, like…” Ryan paused, frustrated.
Hayes trailed a few kisses along Ryan’s neck. “When we’re both done with our inpatient treatment, he’s gonna look for a sober living home out this way. It won’t be the same one I’m at, but close because we’re gonna get ice time every day. Like, people in sober living leave during the day for their jobs and shit? The NHLPA has arranged for us to meet with coaches five days a week, hit dryland and get ice time so we can get back into playin’ shape. That way when we’re ready to transition back, we’ll actually be ready. He’s getting better too, Rook. He’s made amazing progress. He really has. He’s like, not even the same dude. In a good way.”
“And that’s great, but like, do you…do you still want him?”
“Do you, Rook?”
“That’s…not…”
“Don’t. Because I remember what happened that night on the floor of your shower, OK? And none of it was my idea.”
Ryan shifted uncomfortably, trying to wiggle away, but Hayes took his face with both hands, forcing their noses to touch and forcing him to face the uncomfortable conversation he didn’t want to have. “Ryan? Teek is my friend. He’s my boy. Am I attracted to him? Yes. Fuckin’ Helen Keller would be attracted to him. But I’m attracted to a lot of people. I’m only in love with you.”
“Do you wanna hook up with him again?” Ryan asked quietly, their noses still touching. “Be honest with me, Hayes. Is that something you still want?”
