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“You took care of me,” she whispered. “You -you weren’t put off or disgusted.”
“You thought I’d run because of some tears and a snotty nose?” he asked incredulously. “You really don’t have much trust in me.”
“No,” she said quickly. “It’s not you!”
“Shh. Calm down. Every time you get upset, you start coughing. I need to get you another glass of water.”
“No, please. I have to tell you something first. About me.”
“All right, as long as you promise to remain calm. Otherwise, I’m putting you back to bed and banning you from talking for the next hour.”
“You can’t do that,” she said.
“Sure, I can. I’m in charge. I make the rules.”
That was not a rule she was going to accept. Sheesh. But she took a calming breath. It sounded a bit wheezy, but she ignored that. “It really is me. I can’t… I’m not good at letting go. At giving myself permission to let my Little out. That’s the real reason I didn’t name the teddy bear. Derek’s wife Sadie gave him to me when she learned I didn’t have any stuffies. But he doesn’t feel like mine because I can let myself have him.” She groaned. “It’s difficult for me to enter Little headspace unless I fully let go. And I don’t usually fully let go. Sometimes at the club, I can. But mostly its pretense. Because I always have to be on alert. I have to take care of myself. Am I making any sense?”
“You’re one of the most hardworking musicians I’ve ever met. You push yourself to be better every day and you’re already amazing.”
Wow. Those words were huge coming from Brand Starr.
“I didn’t see it before, but you kept pushing yourself so hard when we were touring because you thought you had to prove yourself.”
“I did have to prove myself, Brand.” She didn’t say it in an accusatory voice, but he grimaced.
“Yeah. I get that I made you prove yourself. I didn’t believe you were going to last when you first joined the tour.” He studied her face. “But everyone needs to relax and have a break at some time.”
“That’s why I’m here. My friend, Addie. She’s a doctor. I’ve had anxiety for years that I’ve managed pretty well. I thought it was flaring up, but Addie thinks I had that freak-out that last night because I overworked myself.”
He narrowed his gaze. “You can’t push yourself too hard. You’ll get burned out.”
“Yeah,” she agreed.
“Fuck, baby,” he muttered. “Not happening. Not on my watch. That’s probably why you got so sick.”
“Yeah,” she said again. There wasn’t much more she could add.
“Which means I need to make sure my girl rests and relaxes. And that she feels like she has permission to let go and slip into being Little.”
Okay, he got it.
“And that’s not going to happen by me just shoving a baby bottle in your mouth,” he said dryly. “Who knew?”
She giggled.
“Not me, obviously,” he added.
“The, um, the way you just took care of me. That, uh, that helped.”
“Yeah? That was just instinct.”
“Your instinct is good.”
“Hmm, it always has been. Right now, my instinct is telling me to do something else.”
She slammed her hand over her mouth. “Youcannotkissme!”
Brand’s eyes widened as he stared down at her incredulously. Then he threw back his head and laughed.
