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"He told me that sometimes people get so blinded by the need for revenge that it makes them blind to the lines. In this world of mine family is sacrosanct. The only reason anyone is ok with how this has been squelched is because of my father's murder. What if I push it too far? What if I am going too far?" He looks off again. "My father would be disgusted by what I've done in his name."
I remain quiet when kase wants or needs feedback. Especially when he’s processing something, needing it to be said out loud or talking it out. I just needed to listen and pay attention. Anything I say now won’t be taken in the spirit it's meant. It won't be seen as trying to help or empathy. He'll perceive it as weakness and then he'll retreat. It will be days or weeks before this Kase comes back.
"I'm in pain and I don't feel like he's paid for what he did. The lines are blurry, and I don't know when I'm crossing the line that I can never come back from." He finishes and downs the remains of his drink. I get up and go to the bar to order another round. I don't need to ask, I know the routine. He'll drink until he forgets, and I'll drive us home, where he'll fall into bed. I'll lay beside him until I eventually fall asleep and, in the morning he’ll act like this little dalliance never happened. Or he’ll be different with his values and how he responds with his conscience. Which one it will be remains to be seen? for my part I hope he gets over it and sends her on her way so we can live our lives. At the very least, I can get started with my life. We are alike in many ways, we both have goals and dreams. It’s selfish, but just like he has goals and dreams -so do I. Spending the next however many years of my life watching him chase his father's ghost and being a part of the world's worst threesome isn't part of the deal. I want Kase all to myself. I've only tolerated this because it's what he needs to do.
Idrive us home. He's not as drunk as usual, which is new to me and I'm out of my depths. He nods off and I'm comforted by that, at least. When we get home, he needs my help to get up the stairs and into bed. He's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I'm wired. Something is different and I don't know what it is. I thought I had a handle on all this and on Kase. II feel him slipping from my grasp and the usual things aren’t working to interest him. Even though he denies it, I know it's her. I can feel it as surely as you know when your partner's cheating or your child is in danger. Something is shifting in our lives and our relationship, and it started the moment he became obsessed with bringing her here. It wasn't there in the months it took him to plot his revenge or following his discovery of her father as the man behind the botched deal that led to his dad's murder. He was rational and empirical until then, but the minute she was offered to him to squash the blood debt it changed.
She's beautiful, I have to admit, but that doesn't explain this because Kase has never been short on attention from beautiful men and women. I tried today to see what it was about her that has him questioning everything. He's a man who's always been assured of what he wants and knows himself. It's what attracted me to him, but she's made him question everything about himself and his life. The more he questions, the worse he behaves especially with her. It gave me pleasure in the beginning because I thought it was a sign of his hatred for her, but I can't convince myself of that anymore. It's as if she's holding a mirror to his face and forcing him to look at himself and while answering tough questions. Like a mid-life crisis for a 33-year-old. That in itself doesn't scare me because it will easily go away when she does, but what if she doesn't? And I'm the one that gets cut in his life evaluation and inventory. I've invested too much time and effort into getting us to where we are now to give up or walk away with nothing. I've risked too much to be here and until this is over, I'm still risking everything, including my life. If this blows up, I'm the one that's going to take the hit. I knew it the night he made his way to me across the dancefloor. The first time we were together. I was there to find out how much intel he knew finding myself drawn in and too deep to walk away.
CHAPTER 10
Kase
Iwake up in the early hours of the morning, and Alex is sleeping beside me. The distant ache of a hangover is threatening, and I reach into the draw next to the bed for a couple of aspirin. I swallow them and chase them with water before getting up to take a leak. The harsh light in the bathroom burns my eyes and I blink until they adjust. I'm still seeing with beer goggles, but there's something different about the man staring back at me in the mirror. Looking down as my dick drains the night’s fluids from my body, unable to even look in my own eyes. I don't know what's going on with me. My normally resolute nature has been shaken and I'm not sure by what and it fills me with dread. I tap twice and wash my hands before turning off the light and heading back to bed.
I don't look over at Alex as his hand searches for me, even in sleep. I cover his hand with my own and stare up at the ceiling for the next few hours. I have no idea what time it is and don’t feel like checking the phone. Not wanting to be disturbed by noise or light or unanswered calls or messages. That's a problem for the daylight. My mind is all over the place and eventually I decide to go down to go get something to help me fall back asleep like warm milk. Quietly going down the stairs, I glance at the passage that leads to her room. I'm tempted to go to her room the impulse is strong, but I don't know why, so I resist. I warm some milk on the stove adding honey and cinnamon the way my dad used to make it. It sits at the table near the window, staring at the land outside. The moonlight seems to dance on the green grass as clouds pass in front of it. It's so calming that I find myself feeling the need to get back to bed to sleep.
The size of the estate still stuns me even after all this time. Even during the day, you can't see the border of it. On nights like tonight, it seems to go on forever. As if it sits on the edge of the earth. I drain the contents of the mug and rinsing it for the dishwasher and take out place it in the dishwasher. My father always made sure that I cleaned up after myself. He believed it helped keep a man grounded to take care of the messes he creates. The memory stirs something in me, and I can't identify it or shake the feeling that something isn't right.
The next morning, I wake to the sound of breakfast being brought into the room. I stir and then sit up. Alex isn't next to me. My head is still foggy from last night, and it takes me a while to get my bearings. The maid leaves the trays and Alex brings me a cup of coffee and my breakfast.
"What's this?" I ask.
"I just thought that after the fun we had last night -you might not be up to traipsing downstairs for breakfast, so I had them bring it upstairs. Greasy just the way you like it when you have a hangover." He smiles.
"You know me so well. What did I ever do to deserve you?" I ask, smiling.
He looks at me for the longest time and I sense something there, but don't know what it is.
"Aren't you going to join me?" I ask.
"Yes. Yes, I am."
We sit and eat in companionable silence, after we finish; he decides to clean up our trays placing them on the cart for the staff.
"I'm going to hop in the shower. I have an early meeting and then lunch with my parents." He says.
I don't comment because we agreed that until all this was over, we wouldn't involve friends or family. He turns back and smiles at me. I hear the shower spring to life and he's in there for a while before he emerges in a cloud of steam.
"I thought you were going to join me?" He says. He seems hurt.
"Sorry, babe. My head is throbbing, and the Aspirin is finished. I can't even take a step without feeling it in my teeth." I say. Hoping he doesn't check the draw. "How much did you have to drink last night? Was I mixing drinks? This hangover feels worse than usual." I ask, hoping to distract him.
"I wasn't keeping count, but it didn't seem any more than usual." He shrugs his shoulders.
"Man. I must be getting old. Time was I could drink the entire contents of a bar's storeroom and still go jogging in the morning." I say, sighing.
"Old!? Please." He says, laughing, and comes to lie beside me. I run my fingers through his wet hair and kiss him tenderly.
"Now that's more like it." He says.
I'm sitting in my home office a few hours later. I've been returning calls and checking messages and replying. The dinner party is tonight, and I need to have nothing important on my mind or no crisis to get ahead of if I'm going to pull this off. A knock at the door. I'm done for the day and I'm hoping this isn't something pressing or that's going to ruin my day.
"Come in." I say. One guy that works for me enters and I can tell from the look on his face that something's up.
"What's up Ricky?" I ask. "Take a seat."
"Thank you, sir." He takes a seat across from me. He takes a minute, as if he's gathering his thoughts and deciding how to present the information. I've learned from experience not to rush him. "I was out last night with some guys at O'Malley's just shooting the breeze. You know this and that."
