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“Holy shit,” Roman breathes, “girl, you’re plunging into this head-first, aren’t you? Lost your V-card yesterday, and today you wanna try it with a pack?”
“Now who’s scaring her?” I growl, wrapping my arms around her, and she giggles, that girlish sound I love hearing from her, because despite being so young, the look in her eyes is sometimes ancient.
“It’s Roman’s hot chocolate,” she says between giggles. “The Romanesque. Got me drunk.”
“Did you add brandy to it, Ro?”
“Nope.”
Kyrian is back, and a package falls beside me. “Here you go.”
I frown down at it. “Who bought banana flavor?”
“Banana flavor?” Kyrian scowls. “Not me. I hate banana.”
“Yeah, you. You bought the condoms last,” Roman says, laughing. “Can’t you read, man?”
“Fuck you.” Kyrian’s look of shock and hurt draws my attention. No, not hurt. Devastation. What the hell is going on with him? Is this about the condoms?
But then I have my arms full of flushed, aroused, pretty girl, and who cares about flavors anyway?
Let’s play…
35
BRINLEE
“Not until you’re part of our pack.”
“We’re here. Fly, girl, and if you fall, we’ll catch you. I promise.”
God, why is he saying those things, making my heart soar with hope? He doesn’t realize that I’m being serious when I say I have nothing to offer. I come from nowhere and heading nowhere, the only goal in my life being to pay the bills and get through this storm.
They have a pack, careers, parents and siblings and dreams.
I have no dreams. I’ve been in survival mode ever since I can remember, and things only got worse last year. No, my only dreams are of them, this pack and Sawyer, but I know that they can never come true.
Teasing myself with this piece of happiness and pleasure is cruel.
I’m hurting myself, and it will only hurt more when they reject me in the end.
But then I will be able to look back and say, I had this, even for a moment. I had what I wanted with the guys I’ve fallen for.
They say memories are the only thing that remains, right? Well, I’ll have the memories. This is what I’m doing now. Taking them inside me, and not only into my body but into my heart, turning this moment into a memory, to keep them safe in my mind palace for darker times.
In my experience, darker times will come, sooner or later. Whatever you build, you lose again. It’s a law in my world.
But my God, seeing these guys strip is a vision that will live forever in my mind rent-free, I swear. Yup, this is the sort of memories I was talking about.
Lord have mercy.
Roman is the first one to haul his shirt over his head, and holy wow, he has a body like an Olympic swimmer, all sinew and lithe muscle. No wonder he moves like a dancer. A swimmer-dancer?
When have I ever been so aroused from kissing a guy, or watching him undress? Never, that’s when.
Until now, and not with one, but three guys.
Just like it was with Sawyer last night, and God, Sawyer… Sadness swamps me, but I try to push it out of my mind.
