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“He’s got the nicest butt on the entire team,” Grandma says.
Jake’s face turns even redder.
So I walk over, crouch down and offer my hand to Jake.
The kid is in complete shock.
Which happens sometimes.
I make small talk. I get him to relax a little.
And now we’re all talking.
Jake plays little league. I’m his favorite ball player.
I sign as much as I can for the kid. I take a few pictures.
I even take a picture with Grandma herself.
(Grandma asks to pinch my butt, which I graciously decline… but she does manage to give my butt a little grab… right before all hell breaks loose.)
Someone gets into a car and leaves.
Right where Grandma is standing there’s now an open spot.
Well, here comes two idiots ready to fight for that spot.
The first guy has his blinker on, coming the wrong way.
The other guy turns to steal the spot.
The first guy turns too, which causes the second guy to appear as though he’s going to jump the curb.
That’s where I jump in and move Jake behind me.
I reach for Grandma and can only grab her walker. I give it a tug and Grandma gets scared of the car (or maybe me… maybe I am wrong here, I don’t know…) and next thing I know poor Grandma tumbles down to the sidewalk right on her butt.
Now I’m hotheaded and fired up, so instead of helping Grandma, I go after the driver of the car. I scream more than a few choice words at the guy, which all gets recorded by the reporters.
And other people who gathered around.
Of course social media runs with the videos and people start making edits and they add music along with their voices and theories that I’m in a bad mood and was ignoring Jake, and his grandmother insisted I talk to them so I pushed her toward a car and she fell.
For the record, both Jake and Grandma are fine. Grandma even asked me to wipe her butt off, which I also politely declined to do.
But nobody reports that.
Someone did start a rumor that Grandma broke her coccyx and possibly needs a hip replacement.
So that’s how I ended up sitting with Tony and the PR company and that’s how I ended up right here, sitting in this driveway to this house that isn’t mine so I can rehab at a local pool.
A small town where the hope is things will be calm.
But let’s be honest with ourselves…
… is life ever actually calm?
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