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“If I hadn’t lost use of my legs, I’d never push you toward other men. I’m trying to do what I think we need here so we can move forward, to make sure you marry me because you can see a life with me, a life that includes you having everything you want. Even if I’m not the one who can give it all to you, I won’t be the man in the way of you getting it. Does that make sense?”
“And what about you?”
“If it starts working again, that’s another story.”
I straighten up. “That’s the thing… I can totally wait. If you’ll consider reading those pamphlets or let me read them to you, there’s even an implant that–”
“Sweetie,” he says dolefully. “I read the pamphlets a long time ago. It was like alphabet soup. Sex is the last thing on my mind. I’m trying to cope with so many other things, it’s not remotely on my radar, other than talking this out with you to make sure you’re okay. Our relationship is about a lot of things and as time goes on, sex becomes less and less important in a relationship, you know? This is the only stumbling block for us, but there’s a solution. My hall pass.”
I do my best to clear my expression. “I’ve thought about it but I’m still not sure I’m even capable of a hookup.”
“It’s just sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything. You and I still have everything we have. We still mean everything we mean to one another. Then before we walk down the aisle… I mean, before you walk down that aisle, you’ll know if it’s something you can truly do. Because you won’t be feeling like you’re walking the plank.” He swallows, looking emotional. “I’m working on getting back to who I am, but it’s taking time. I don’t know if that part of me is gone forever, and I need you to be prepared that it might be. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get what you need somewhere else.”
There’s no point in me repeating my speech about only needing intimacy from him, although if I had that, I really do think it would be enough to last me for a while. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Clearly more important to me than to him. But he doesn’t seem to understand that I want closeness and connection the most.
“Our life together is about so much more than sex,” he says. “We can still have an amazing life together, can’t we?”
I nod, biting my lip.
“Think about using the hall pass, Chloe.”
“I’ll think about it,” I agree. “But clearly you’ll need to know if I’ve done it or not by the way you’re behaving and that doesn’t fit with what you wrote.”
“I amend the hall pass, then. I guess I’ll need to know once and just once. And maybe you can take up a couple of your old hobbies again, so you’re not home so much. That way it won’t stand out blatantly if you decide to take me up on my offer on a regular basis.”
He gives me a tight smile, but emotion flares in his eyes. He’s such a good guy. He’s been through so much.
I’ve given up a social life and all my me-time to be his caregiver. He wants me to start having a life again. Will me moving forward with my life help him do the same? Maybe we’re in a rut together.
But I can’t help but wish he’d understand it’s about more than sex. He just doesn’t seem to get it.
“Before you walk down that aisle to a man in a wheelchair who can’t give you everything you need, be sure that what I can give you is enough.”
We can’t hike a mountain the way we used to do. But maybe we can get an RV and spend time outdoors in accessible locations. Campfires. Camping. Fishing. Boating. Kids together with medical intervention. Board games. Making memories. And maybe he’ll get into the groove and decide he does want to explore options for intimacy.
But what if me being intimate with someone else changes everything for him? What if it changes me in his eyes?
“What if I do this and you can’t live with it?” I ask. “What if you can’t look at me the same way because I’m having sex with other people?”
He gives me a sad smile and I know now that this has already crossed his mind. “Better that we know now, don’t you think? A lot of people open up their relationship, Chloe. Some make it past that, and some don’t. I’m really hoping we do.”
The emotion in me wells up to near overflowing.
This is a test for both of us. Me, to see if a life with him without sex from him is enough for me. And him, to see if he can spend his life with me knowing I’m having sex with other men.
If I agree to do this, even if I find I’m okay with it, Adam might not be.
Everything could change. Whether I take him up on this offer or not.
“He’s right,” Alannah says, after flashing a smile at the bartender who hands us each another drink. “Thanks, Alex.”
“My pleasure, Alannah,” he replies, flirtation clear. He instantly strikes me as the type that would flirt with anyone and everyone to boost his chances of getting a better tip.
Her eyes bounce back to me. “Best to find out now if you can live with life as it is before you put on the one and only white dress.”
I give her a pointed look as I stir my drink with the plastic stir stick.
“You said you only wanted to wear the dress once. No, not said it, swore it.”
