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Carter gets his cut of pork and eats it. We stand around, joking and laughing. Eventually Aiden joins us, and Daniel a few minutes later. The group of us laughs, drinks, makes fun of Carter for being obsessed with roasted pig, and I forget all about my brother.
But I don’t forget about Nadya. I look around the party an hour later, trying to find her.
“I swear,” I say to Daniel. “She was this tall Russian lady. With a bunch of Russian guys, and they were all in tracksuits.”
He grins at me. “Sounds like a hallucination.”
I sigh. I can’t find her anywhere, or her men for that matter. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t, but if it helps, I totally believe you.”
He gives me this look and I laugh, nudging him. “Hey!” Aiden says. “I come bearing shots!”
The night drags on like that. For the first time in a long time, I feel so good. I haven’t even kissed anyone, and yet I’m having such a normal, fun time with these guys.
Slowly the party starts to thin out. Carter eats half the pig, and ends up going to bed early. Ryan joins us, though he’s a little drunk, and James mercilessly makes fun of him. Aiden and Daniel argue over who’s better at football, and I stand there, watching the boys laugh and joke with each other, feeling like I’m a part of something.
It hits me right there, suddenly and intensely. I take a step back and take a sharp breath, realization flooding my body.
“You okay?” James asks me softly. He must have noticed my reaction.
“I’m fine,” I say quickly, covering it up. “I think I should get to bed, though.”
He smirks at me. “Want some company?”
“No,” I say quickly. “Not tonight.”
“You sure? There are three other guys here I think would be interested.”
I laugh softly. “Thanks.” I kiss his cheek. “But no thanks.”
I wave goodnight to the guys and walk quickly away.
I know what it is that keeps bringing me back to them. It’s not the sex, although of course it’s partly the sex. That feels good. And it’s not just the guys themselves, although they’re all awesome and good people.
No, it’s the feeling I get from them as a group. It’s the feeling of belonging to something. I’m a part of the group, a part of something, and that’s something I haven’t had in a long time. It hits me so intensely that I don’t even know what to do with the knowledge.
I left a little abruptly, but that’s okay. I’ll see them all tomorrow. And besides, I want to get to know them outside of just sex. I want to feel like I’m a part of their group, like I finally have a group of people that cares about me and understands me. It’s addictive, intense, and I didn’t even know I needed it.
I go to bed, thoughts of my group ringing through my mind.
