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“Here, I think that one’s clean.”
Gently, he pries the bowl I was repeatedly rinsing throughout his description out of my hand. His skin brushes against mine in the exchange, and I give an embarrassing jump. Ben chuckles and leans in until I’m forced to meet his eyes.
“Your turn.”
I can’t help biting my lip. It’s that or shout out, You! All I want is you!
Instead, I pick up the last plate, focusing on it while I work out an answer.
“You covered a lot of the bases. I guess I’d also want someone reliable. Honest. Someone I felt safe around. Like I could be me without being judged.” The air gets heavy again, so I fall back on a joke. “And, of course, a pretty face to round out the package.” When I grin over at Ben, I find him watching me. The eyes behind his glasses are emerald knives, cutting through my flimsy walls.
He steps in close, pressing me back against the sink but still leaving enough room for me to slip away if I want.
“Honesty. I can do that. Here’s honest: I think about you all the time, Holly. Like an unhealthy amount. But I don’t care if it’s unhealthy because everything about you makes me feel good. You’re my favorite person. Is that crazy?” His smile is sheepish but determined, and he shrugs. “Doesn’t matter ’cause it’s true. All I want is more of you.”
Every bit of me freezes. Face, hands, body are all locked in place. For a moment, even my lungs take a pause from their normal duties. My brain needs to hit the restart button. He’s scrutinizing me, probably looking for a reaction, but I’m sure my face is blank because I’m trying to figure out what to think.
“All I want is more of you.”
“Like sex?”
Oh sheesh. That’s the first thing out of my mouth?
Ben’s cheeks get a ruddy glow, and his eyes heat up, but he shakes his head. “No. Not sex. At least, not just sex.”
I’m usually great with thinking on my feet, but right now, my thoughts bounce around so much that I have trouble grasping them.
“More of me. What does that mean? What’s more?” I sound breathy, probably from the lack of breathing.
“More is spending time together outside of my treatments. Like going on dates. More means holding your hand.” He slips his fingers into mine and raises our joined hands. Then, keeping his stare locked on mine, he draws them to his mouth to brush a kiss over my knuckles. “More means more touching. I can hold you like I did last night all the time. That, once you give me the go-ahead, I can kiss you whenever I want. I feel like we’re on our way to more. Like we’ve brushed against it.” He rubs his thumb over the back of my hand, the rough pad of his finger sending tingles down my wrist. Then, with a sigh, he releases me and steps back. “If this is one-sided, tell me.”
“One-sided?” I’m still floundering in all this new information.
“Yeah. If you just want to be friends, nothing has to change.”
But that’s not true. Ben just told me that I’m his favorite person. Everything has changed.
And my stupid mouth can’t handle it.
“You’re throwing off my entire schedule!”
19
BEN
Of all the possible responses, that wasn’t one I’d planned for. “Huh?”
Holly brushes past me and starts pacing the length of the cabin. She mutters as she walks, and I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or herself.
“Right now is all about surgery prep. Then, during the holidays, it’s the surgery. Then, next semester is our recovery period. After that, you’d let me know if you still wanted to be friends. And then I’d ask you on a date. In the spring.” She stops abruptly, staring at me from the other side of the room. Finally directly addressing me, her voice comes out desperate. “That makes sense. This does not. If it made any sense, then I would’ve done it already.”
I think I’m following along. “You were planning on asking me out in the spring?”
“Well, I was before you did that!” She waves toward the sink, her hands fluttering and frantic like her words.
Cautiously, I approach her. This moment seems tenuous and important. Still, I can’t help grinning like an idiot. “Sorry. Next time, you’ll have to let me know about the schedule.”
She rolls her eyes. I empathize with her juicy bottom lip, pinched hard between her worried teeth. We stand, only a foot apart, silently staring at each other until I can’t take it anymore.
