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Except for the fact that this just proves Terra’s point.
“So, I haven’t found someone I want to spend a lot of time around. That’s not a problem. The issue is you thinking it’s okay that Ben might be that guy.” I grab a dish towel and start drying.
“Yeah, I’m still not understanding the issue.”
“Are you kidding me? I’m giving him my kidney! The surgery is stressful enough, but just imagine the added pressure if there’s a new relationship. What if we start something up, but then one of us wants to break it off? Who’s to say he’d still want to do the exchange? Then, Marcus loses out again. Or what if …” I trail off because I don’t want to say it. The fear comes directly from the dark hole in my chest where all my childhood issues swirl and eat away at me.
“What if …” Terra isn’t grinning anymore; she’s just listening.
“So, what if I tell him? And it turns out, he doesn’t feel the same way, but he thinks I’ll back out of the exchange, so he lies. Maybe we date. Maybe I feel differently about him, and I start to really like him. Then, I get the surgery done, and I wake up to find that he’s gotten what he wanted. That everything else was a lie. How can I know if he actually likes me or if he’s just keeping his organ donor happy?” It sounds so pathetic and full of self-loathing. But it doesn’t sound impossible.
“Damn, Holly.” Terra steps forward and wraps her arms around my shoulders. She’s warm from standing near the oven, and I sink into her embrace. “Your mom really did a number on you, didn’t she?”
I sigh and ignore the ache in my chest. “Maybe. But I still don’t think my fears are unfounded.”
She rubs my back in soothing circles. “Why don’t you try getting to know him better? Maybe, one day, you’ll be able to tell if he’s lying or not.”
I’m saved from answering when Terra’s laptop lets out a ring.
“Faith!” That’s Terra’s girlfriend’s name, not some declaration she’s making. The two of them video-chat most days. She skips to her door but stops to glance back at me. “Think on it.”
When she disappears into her room, I frown. My friend is too optimistic. She hasn’t been lied to like me. Doesn’t know how bad the fallout can be.
The food has some time to cook, so I climb up to the platform that acts as my bedroom and start on my homework. Our place is small, and I don’t technically have my own room, but the rent is pretty cheap for how close it is to campus. We make it work.
Terra’s conversation is just background noise as I attempt to focus on microeconomics. Spreading my notes across my mattress, I wait for my shoddy, secondhand laptop to power up. After the screen blinks to life, I actually make some headway before Ben saunters back into my mind.
First, it’s just the thought of his goofy smirk.
I shake my head and force myself to work.
But then I see him pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his long fingers. The same fingers that unbuttoned his shirt to reveal those inked images on his skin. The skin that felt hot under my touch.
I never got around to asking him when he’d gotten the tattoos.
Is he going under the needle right now?
That’s risky, and I hope he’s not that stupid. The way he described them, it sounds like a large portion of his skin is covered.
When did he start getting them? And what else does he have? I wonder how many more I might have seen if he had gone down one or two more buttons …
“Ugh!” I flop back on my pillow, arm flung over my eyes, trying unsuccessfully to push the image of Ben disrobing for me out of my mind.
“Got boy on the brain?”
I yelp at the sound of Terra’s voice, so close. Times like this, I regret not insisting on a two-bedroom apartment. I raise my arm and glare at her head, which hovers just at the entryway to my little loft. She must be standing halfway up the ladder needed to climb onto my platform
“Sorry. Should’ve knocked. But I heard your groan and thought you might be in pain.”
My arm falls back in place. “You done chatting with Faith?”
“Yeah, she had to go eat. Stop changing the subject. Back to Ben.”
In an overly dramatic sigh, I let all the air out of my lungs. “It’s been three weeks since I saw him, but he’s still in my head. Why won’t he get out?” I sound like a whining baby.
Terra leans forward, so she can rest her elbows on my floor. “You miss him.”
It isn’t a question, but I answer anyway, “I shouldn’t. We barely know each other.”
