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Focusing on something else might help me forget, if only for a moment. The first thing available is the paper in my hand. So, I hone in on it, studying each aspect to give my mind an escape.
The shape and layout are familiar. A small rectangle, lines filled in with written words. Some of those words look like my name. Then, there’s a long line with no handwriting. An empty space waiting to be filled in.
This is a check. A check made out to me. A blank check.
“Has anyone offered to pay you for your kidney?”
Just like that, real time slams back into place. I drop the bribe like it’s covered in anthrax, stumbling out of the chair and wiping my hands on my clothes, fearing the psychiatrist will somehow smell it on me.
“Are you insane?”
Whatever argument the three of them were in the middle of stopped the moment I moved, and both Ben and his mom flinch at my words.
Ben recovers first, reaching his hands out to me, palms up, as if I were a wild animal in need of soothing. In a way, that’s what I am. Rabid, my brain melting, wanting to attack something, anything, as I grind my teeth.
“No, Holly, no. I would never expect you to. I know you need to find Marcus a kidney. It’s okay.”
He takes a step forward, but I fling my arms out to ward him off. The fact that I crave his comfort shows how little I deserve it.
“This wasn’t supposed to be about you!” My voice reverberates around their stupidly large house. “I wanted to save Marcus!”
“I know, Holly. You still can.” Ben’s trying to reassure me with his calm voice.
But he doesn’t get it.
Before, I was confused as to whether or not I should be angry. Now, I know.
I’m enraged.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
Ben’s mouth goes slack, and his parents watch me with wide eyes.
“You think I’m not going to give you my kidney? Of course I am, you fucking idiot! Of course I am! And your mother, with her stupid-ass check, is trying to ruin it all! And my—” I choke on a sob and do my best to push back the furious tears that want out. “My brother is dying. And it’s all going to shit. And you think I’d let you get sicker? When I—when I—”
No. I can’t say those words now. Not here. Not like this. Maybe not ever.
They’re the reason I can’t help Marcus.
I take another step back.
“Shh, Holly. Let’s just go upstairs. Just you and me,” he pleads with me, still holding his arms wide, tempting me to run into them.
A laugh spills out of me, high-pitched and manic. “Just you and me? So you can what? Make me feel safe? Tell me it’s all going to be okay? You gonna lie to me, Ben?”
He grimaces.
My brain is on fire.
I see the three of them standing there. Together. A family.
It’s too much.
“I have to go.”
My sneakers squeak on their beautiful hardwood floor as I sprint from the room, down the hall covered in smiling family photos, and out their charming blue front door.
“Holly! Wait!”
