AllFreeNovel
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He lifts me onto the kitchen counter, rips off my nightgown, and makes love to me in the most passionate and sensual way a person could possibly make love to another.
When we’re both spent, he kisses the top of my head. He doesn’t say a word after, he just holds me tight. His eyes are filled with emotion when I look at him, and I can’t pinpoint whether it’s just because of how good the sex was or if there are other things going through his head.
Things like what we are now, what our future holds, and if there’s even a future between us. I want to ask, to know where we stand, and set clear boundaries if we need to. We’re both Kira’s parents, we can’t keep having sex until one of us decides they’re tired of the other and moves on. I don’t want us to do anything that’ll build resentment between us, because Kira will be affected, but I don’t want to make things awkward. Not now at least.
“What are you thinking?” he asks, pulling away gently.
I blink up at him like an idiot. I want to tell him everything, but I don’t want to sound pathetic, so I lie. “Nothing. I’m just thinking of how good it felt to be like this with you again.”
He spreads his arms wide at my sides, clenching the edges of the counter. “And?”
“And…” I drag out the word. I have no idea what he expects me to say. “We should take Kira out to the park sometimes.”
I’m deviating from his question, and I hope he doesn’t notice.
“That’s not what I’m asking, Anya.” His voice is deep and sensual in a way that makes me fluster. “I’m talking about us.”
I laugh nervously and pin my gaze to the door. I’m too embarrassed to look at him. “What about us, Brandon? Are you going to say this was something special?”
My pulse rate quickens. I have no idea what he’s going to say, but I know that is what I want him to say. Yet I don't say it. I can’t because what if that’s not what he wants? I’ll only ruin things between us.
“Yes, this wasn’t just sex to me,” he says. “It wasn’t two years ago and it isn’t now. What we share is special, Anya. Better than anything I’ve ever felt with anyone, and it’s not just because you’re Kira’s mom.”
I’m forced to look at him now. Forced to look vulnerable, because he’s opening up to me and I can’t keep on pretending I don’t feel the same way. My voice isn’t more than a croak as I ask, “What was it then?”
“Everything.” He brings his face a little closer to mine. “I’ve missed out on a lot. Missed out on Kira and you for two fucking years. I’ve never stopped thinking about how different things could have been if I’d just never been a SEAL, if I’d been a normal man. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for it either.”
His chest rises and falls with his shaky breaths, revealing the turmoil beneath his calm exterior. I swallow hard, my heart threatening to burst from my chest. The emotion that fills his gaze is both raw and real, and I can't help but be moved by his honesty.
“I know I've been a mess after these years away,” he whispers, his voice barely audible. “But I'm trying to be better, for Alessa and Kira and for you. For us." He takes a step back, his eyes shining with an intensity that makes my knees weak.
“For us?” I ask, my voice trembling. I think I’ll cry if I say anything more.
“For us. I wish I could say that everything will be perfect, but I can't. All I know is that I want to try, I want to be a better person. I want to fix myself. I no longer want to let those nightmares haunt me, those monsters from watching my friend bleed out and being unable to help him.”
Ice washes over me. I can’t stop my jaw from falling open or hide the horror on my face. “What do you mean?”
“You see why I hate myself so much?” His voice cracks with tears. “I stood there and watched while he fought for his life. He called my name and tried to reach out to me, but I was too afraid and in shock to do anything. He almost died, and it’s all because of me.”
A wave of sadness crashes over me, like a sharp stab to the heart. The weight of regret and guilt pulls at my chest, knowing that he went through all of this pain while I was blinded by anger and resentment. Why couldn't I see it before? His transformation suddenly makes sense.
"Brandon," I choke back tears as I reach out to him. "It wasn't your fault." My words are barely audible over the sound of my own sobs, but I hope he can hear the sincerity in them.
“But it is. What if no one else was there? He would have died. I was such a coward.”
“No.” I won’t let him do that. I can’t allow him to continue blaming himself for something that wasn’t his fault. I cup his face. “Brandon, you were not a coward.”
He looks away.
“Brandon, look at me.”
He reluctantly lifts his eyes to meet mine.
“Whatever happened on that battlefield wasn’t your fault. It’s normal to be afraid, even for someone as strong as you.” My eyes burn with tears. “You did your best. You fought for your country, and I’m sure your friend doesn’t blame you for it.”
Brandon's eyes glisten with unshed tears as he searches my gaze for any sign of doubt. I see the torment in his eyes, the weight of his past bearing down on him like a heavy anchor threatening to drag him under. But in that moment, as our eyes lock in a silent understanding, I see a glimmer of hope flicker to life within him.
“I wish I could believe that, Anya,” Brandon whispers, his voice strained with emotion. “But the guilt…I don’t think it will ever go away.”
