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The gargen-heimer had a mushy texture, almost like extremely stiff mashed potatoes. Its flavor reminded Abbey of the one time she’d tried poutine—it was quite delicious. The molly-golly-gooten-tot was kind of like crunchy croutons which melted on her tongue after she bit into them. It tasted like French onion soup would if someone had decided to add a lot of extra cheese, Abbey decided. She really liked it. In fact, everything was delicious and she wound up cleaning her plate.
Of course she had to try some of Solon’s food as well. He had chosen the chud-wump sando and two other dishes—one of which tasted like spicy tomato sauce and came in gel-like cubes. Abbey didn’t care for that much—the texture felt wrong.
Like eating pizza sauce gummies, she thought.
The other dish the big Monstrum had ordered was better. It was a pile of crispy flakes, like cereal, that had a savory, spicy flavor that made Abbey think of snack food.
What she liked best about the meal was the fact that nothing had any kind of sauce or gravy on it. She could eat without fear of dripping anything on herself and wipe her fingers on the richly embroidered napkin she’d been given at the beginning of the meal. Every bite she took was neat and self-contained—she didn’t even get any crumbs on herself.
At last, it was time for dessert. New menu cards were given out—much smaller than the first. Abbey was wary at first, but she found, to her delight, that she liked the scent and taste of every single bump she pressed.
“My, my—we certainly have some lovely selections for sweet treats tonight,” she heard the Empress say to her. “What catches your fancy, my dear?”
“I don’t know,” Abbey said honestly. “They all smell so good I can’t decide. Maybe Your Majesty could recommend something for me?”
“I most certainly can!” the Empress declared. She called the server over. “Lady Abbey will have the sweet tasting platter,” she instructed him. “A little bit of everything on the Sweet Treats menu. Oh, and I almost forgot—she didn’t get to try the chomble-hopper cheese! Do be sure to bring that along with the rest.”
Abbey’s heart sank a little—she really didn’t want to have to eat any of the awful fart cheese! But she smiled and tried to make her voice sound grateful.
“Thank you, Your Majesty—that’s most generous of you.”
“Nonsense! Dessert is the best part of any meal!” the Empress exclaimed. “And naturally you must have whatever you like. Why, do you know how long it’s been since anyone brought me a scent as lovely as the fragrance of the rare and lovely roses you gave me? Only the best of everything for you, my dear!”
When the sweet tasting platter arrived, it was an enormous, round metal tray filled with at least fifteen small golden bowls. The server named them off quickly, starting from the very top and working clockwise around the tray, but Abbey had a bit of trouble memorizing them. They all had names like ‘humppalo-snuffix’ and ‘chesifloofer-toop’ which didn’t really make any sense to her.
At last, she stopped him with a hand on his arm and said,
“Please—just tell me the exact location of the chomble-hopper cheese. I need to know where it is.”
She spoke in a low voice, hoping the Empress wouldn’t hear. But unfortunately, Her Majesty must have had extremely good hearing because when the server pointed out which dish the fart-cheese was in, she said,
“Ah—you just can’t wait to try our famous chomble-hopper, can you, my dear? I don’t blame you a bit—do have a bite.”
And then Abbey was forced to do exactly that, though it was the last thing she wanted to put in her mouth.
She dipped her fingers into the chomble-hopper bowl and noted that the small chunks had a distinctly slimy feel to them. Oh God, she really didn’t want to eat this! She wondered if she might get away with eating something else instead. After all, the Empress was blind too—would she really be able to tell if Abbey was faking?
But of course, she didn’t know exactly how blind the Empress was. She might have partial vision like Abbey did or no vision at all—it was impossible to tell.
In the end, she decided it was safer to just eat a piece of the stinky, slimy cheese, even though the thought turned her stomach.
Taking a deep breath—which she immediately regretted, due to the fresh fart aroma of the cheese—she popped the smallest piece she could find into her mouth and swallowed quickly.
“Mmm,” she mumbled as she wiped her fingers on her napkin.
“You like it?” the Empress demanded.
“It’s certainly, uh, unique,” Abbey said and reached for the carved goblet in front of her which held a dry, fruity wine that tasted a little bit like fruit punch. She gulped a mouthful, trying to wash the slimy fart taste out of her mouth and then wiped her fingers again, making sure to get rid of every last trace of the chomble-hopper cheese.
“It’s a rare delicacy,” the Empress informed her. “Quite expensive, but you may have as much as you like, my dear.”
“Thank you.” Abbey tried to smile in her direction, since she wasn’t sure how much vision the Empress had. “That’s so kind of you, Your Majesty. But I’m getting so full—I’d better try some of my other ‘sweet treats’ now or I won’t have room for them.”
“Oh, quite right—quite right,” the Empress said and the pink blur in Abbey’s field of vision moved, making her think the other woman was nodding. “Do try some of the hoopa-loop—it’s so tasty this time of year!”
Abbey made her way around the round, metal platter, trying each dessert dish and giving some to Solon as well, who hadn’t ordered anything sweet for himself.
“Are you sure you don’t want more?” she asked him, after he had expressed a liking for one of the desserts but then refused a second bite.
