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That tidbit wasn’t brought up again until they had paid the check and returned to Elle’s penthouse, where she did her best to not think about her memories with Pamela, the woman she thought she’d marry. We were basically married. The plans were always delayed the more Elle advanced up the ladder. Then, one day…
Pam was gone.
Arianna sat in the reading nook, taking in the sights while Elle hung up her sweater in the hall closet and wondered if now was a good time to talk.
“What happened between you and your ex-girlfriend?”
The accordion doors were caught in their tracks as Elle attempted to close them in one fluid movement. When she turned around, Arianna gazed back at her, a tress of hair coming undone from her trademark updo.
“You can sense her here, huh?”
“You have a picture of her in your room.”
Elle stopped halfway across the room. “What?”
“On your dresser. There’s a picture of you and two other women. One of them has to be your ex because your arm is around her in that same way you hold me sometimes.”
It took Elle a moment to realize which photo that was. Annual awards dinner. The other woman in the picture must have been someone who had won employee of the year at Elle’s old company. She had lots of friends who achieved accolades like that.
“I didn’t even realize. Here I thought I had put most of my photos of her away.”
Arianna slightly smiled. “I’m guessing you don’t look at your dresser much.”
Elle sat on her couch and gestured for Arianna to join her. A moment later, they were together, their arms entwined in that way Elle liked to do.
“My ex and I loved each other very much,” Elle said after a second of silence. “There will always be a part of me that loves her, and I think there will always be a part of her that loves me.” She squeezed Arianna’s shoulder. “But we were incompatible. We wanted different things in life. Pamela, she…” Elle had to stop, sighing. “She wanted marriage. Kids. The homemaker life, but with her partner always in the picture. I make more than enough to have a housewife, but asking me to always be around, to have kids is a lot. I kept telling her that it would only be a couple more years. Once I was more entrenched in my position, making good money and benefits, we could get a nice house in the ‘burbs and I’d have a set schedule we could plan around. I’d only travel a couple of times a year. But…”
Arianna chuckled, asking in Mandarin, “You kept chasing a bigger pie, huh?”
“Guess so. The final straw was when I started my new job. It was a new company, and I was more involved than your usual director would be. That’s why I’m always flying to Singapore. She was so excited for me, but I could see the light fading from her eyes. When she left, there was already someone else.”
“She cheated on you?”
“I don’t know. Emotionally, maybe. Even if she hadn’t cheated, someone was waiting for her and swooped in as soon as it was safe. They’ve got the place, the security, and are getting married sometime next year.” Elle tried not to think about it. Pamela had invited her, with the understanding that Elle probably wouldn’t go. Maybe, if I have someone like Arianna with me… Not alone, though. Not if she were single. “Wouldn’t be shocked if she gets pregnant shortly after that. She’s only a bit younger than me. If she wants to birth a kid, it’s gotta be soon.”
“How does that make you feel?”
Elle shrugged. “I miss her, but life moves on. I was so focused on my work that I wasn’t even looking for love. Then I met… you.”
Arianna sat up, pulling her bare feet onto the couch. “What about me is different from your ex? What about us works better than what you had with her?”
“You understand that I travel a lot, for one thing.”
“Because I also constantly travel!”
“See? It’s nice.”
“Except if I wanted to settle down in a couple of years,” she mused, “I might become like your ex. But I’m also different from her. I like to work. I don’t want to be a housewife. I’ve never even thought about marriage being something I could do, let alone have kids. It’s simply never crossed my mind.”
“Because you’re from Singapore?”
“Ha. Try Malaysia. Even less likely to legalize gay marriage anytime soon.”
She said it with the kind of sigh that made Elle want to hold her tighter. “You never know what the future will bring.”
It was the most tactful way to insinuate they could get married one day without outright saying it. Because I simply don’t know. It was much too soon to talk about marriage, let alone what that entailed when one of them wasn’t American. She’d have to come over on a visa, it would cost money, we’d have to pick where to live very quickly… If that marriage blew up before Arianna had the chance to secure a green card, Elle would never forgive herself. At least Pamela could go wherever she wanted… to whomever she wanted.
“I can’t lie,” Elle said. “I like my job. I like traveling, though I wouldn’t mind cutting back a little. This place, too… it’s my home, but it was a place I shared with my ex. We picked it out together. It’s been so strange to be here without her. Doesn’t quite feel like a home.”
