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We haven’t been fucking. Not even from the beginning. Yes, they’ve mostly been fantasies we’ve enacted but… I haven’t been fucking him. I’ve been… Shit. I let the person I trust more than anyone else make love to me. He might not know it, but I do.
I’ve been purposefully ignoring my true feelings just like I have my whole life with Raf. How can I be so honest everywhere else when it comes to what I feel and how I communicate, but I can’t get it right with him?
Because if he knew, everything would end.
I would ruin everything. The closeness. Our laughter. His family. I’d lose my living mothers, Ana and Christina.
By keeping my mouth shut, I’ve been protecting my heart and almost everything it values. I’ve grown accustomed to hiding, but can I keep doing this after everything we’ve been through in the last six months?
But I know Rafael better than anyone, maybe better than himself sometimes. He’s a loyal friend and brother. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s going to stick around for these babies. I’m not even remotely concerned about that. So if that’s the case, maybe it is a safe time to step back.
From this arrangement.
From him.
From us.
I need to put up the divider that I needed a long time ago. Just like the first day we met, I need to draw a line down the middle of our desks and create some semblance of separation.
My heart needs the boundary if it’s ever going to survive.
It’s time to end our arrangement. It’s time to dissolve our too-close friendship. The platonic intimacy he seeks is too fucking real to me—it gives me unwarranted hope, which only fuels the desire to keep it burning.
I feel like his shameful secret—the one he parades around in plain view of everyone. I can’t be the girlfriend or wife he says he doesn’t want.
Chapter 27
September 28th
Rafael
After the game and social, adrenaline from the win is coursing through my body. We’ve been undefeated this season and it only rockets my enthusiasm as well as the team’s. Though the Johanssen brothers don’t seem too keen to share a non-alcoholic beer with me at the social, I shrug it off. They’ll get over it. Once the babies come, they’ll be too wrapped up in being uncles that they won’t bring this up again.
Maybe.
“Woof,” I sigh, stepping into our place behind Angie and immediately slumping into the couch and kicking off my slides. We’ve been gone all day and the sun is already making its way down. “I’m whooped. I need a shower, food, and—oh, muchacho time!” I croon, picking up Razzle Dazzle and placing him on my chest. “Hi, buddy.”
“I’m gonna change out of these jeans,” Angie says, unbraiding her hair as she walks toward the stairs.
“Hey wait, why don’t you join me in the shower?” I smirk, hoping she turns around and throws one back.
But she doesn’t. She doesn’t even turn around or stop.
“No, that’s okay.”
What? Is she okay? She never declines a sexy shower. They’re usually her idea after a game.
“Are you sure?” I blurt and quickly get to my feet to follow her with Razz still against my chest. She’s halfway up the stairs when I say, “I could be your good boy.” I realize how desperate that sounds once it leaves my lips, but I don’t give a fuck.
When we reach the top, she finally looks at me with a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. With a tiny nod to the bathroom door, she says, “Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll make us some dinner.”
“Are you okay?” I ask, placing my free hand on her hip, but she backs away.
“I'm just tired. Go. I’ll meet you downstairs.” Before I can respond, she’s heading for her bedroom, leaving me perplexed and a little defeated.
I soap up and let the hot water rinse away the dirt and uncomfortable niggle in my gut the best I can. When I step out, I pop a low dose pain killer to stave off the future aches and pains I’ll have in the morning and head down to the kitchen wearing only the thin, gray joggers I know drive Angie crazy.
I’m not over this.
