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“Was it?” she murmurs, but then says, “But this isn’t about me, Lyssa. What’s bothering you?”
“Lately…” I trail off, chewing my lip with a very unfamiliar feeling: uncertainty. “I’m starting to wonder if that approach, blood for blood, just ends up in a whole lot of the red stuff with nothing else to show for it. Just…emptiness.”
She gives a slow nod.
“And I know you’ve thought before that it would’ve been better for all of us if we’d never met,” I got on, but the blanched anguish that bleeds across her features surprises me. Her hands take mine with trembling intensity.
“Oh, Lyssa, no,” she says, eyes glistening. “I’ve never thought that, not for an instant. The two of you...you gave me a reason to keep living after I lost Sarah. Taking care of you both was the only light in my world for so long.”
“But you said…at the Empire Grand, that night we—we talked?—”
She shakes her head firmly. “The only thing I’ve ever wished was that I’d done better by you both. That I’d…helped you both find a different path. This one is so dark, my dear. And I worry so much for you both, every day.”
Her words help soothe some of the torn and ragged places within. But I don’t want her thinking that way, not when it’s so wrong. “We were both well along that path before we met you,” I tell her roughly. “It was never going to be any different for either of us. So don’t you go blaming yourself, Mrs. G. You were the only thing…well, the only thing that…” My throat thickens with emotion and I lean forward to hug her in a fierce embrace. “Thank you,” I whisper roughly against her silvering hair. “Thank you for being the one constant in my life.”
“Always, Lyssa,” she vows. “I’ll be here for you always.”
I gently disentangle myself and sit back, smiling a little as Mrs. G beams at me.
“Remember my old room?” I find myself asking. “Back in the old house?”
The warm light in her eyes kindles brighter at the memory. “Of course. It was Sarah’s old room, too.”
“Mr. Fluffikins,” I say, then pause. “Is he…still around?”
Mrs. Graves blinks at me for a moment before letting out a laugh of pure delight. She rises to her feet and goes over to a nearby still-unpacked box, rooting inside for a few moments before emerging triumphant.
“Right here,” she says fondly, offering me the well-worn teddy bear.
Feeling utterly foolish yet powerless to resist, I reach out and take Mr. Fluffikins from her, examining the fraying fur and one lopsided button eye, a strange tightness binding my chest.
Mrs. Graves puts her hands around mine where I hold the bear, her eyes soft. “You know, you can let yourself feel things, Lyssa. More than just coldness, or violence. There’s a real person under all those walls you’ve built.”
Her smile hooks something deep in my soul, a relentless pull drawing me back to thoughts of Scarlett yet again. I don’t know what to say in response, so I just nod and stare hard at Mr. Fluffikins.
“Why don’t you keep him?” she suggests. “If you want to.”
“Thanks,” I mutter, rising to my feet and tucking the stuffed bear under one arm. “I should probably get going.”
Mrs. Graves stands as well, smiling. “Well, just remember, Lyssa, whenever you need me, I’m here.”
I nod again before pulling away, heading back to my room, my mind still tumbling over and over itself.
Where the fuck do I even go from here? My sense of identity, my place in this world of blades and blood—it’s all slipping away from me.
Hades and I cast in our lots together years ago, and I was glad to do it. I understood her uncompromising code of brutal loyalty and honor, was glad to have it bind me fiercely, a code to guide my decisions, a leader to follow, a purpose.
But Scarlett...
I balk at the thought of killing her now. She’s crawled under my skin, finding some way past the barriers I’ve shored up around my heart. And I’m terrified of what that means.
Where it will lead.
I sit Mr. Fluffikins against the pillows on my bed, and he stares solemnly back at me.
“What the fuck do I do?” I ask him.
He has no reply.
