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I nod again. “Five days a week at work, plus he works out with Tucker and Mark at my house three afternoons a week, and I have dinner with him and his daughter at least once a week.”
“Would you say Tom has built your trust over time?”
“Yes. I feel safe with him. Our friendship is like a sibling relationship.”
“Can you be affectionate with Tom like you can with Mark?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t been affectionate with any male besides Mark since I came back.” I pause. “I’ve been trying to get used to touch again. A few weeks ago, I let him pull me to my feet, but as soon as I was standing, I jerked my hand free. It was too much.”
“So you trust Tom, but you have difficulty being affectionate with him.”
“I trust him, but not as much as I trust Mark.”
“You’ve spent years with Mark,” Willow points out. “Given time, do you believe Tom could reach a higher level of trust with you?”
“Yes.”
“What about Blake?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. He’s nice, but I had a meltdown at the thought of a kiss.”
Willow uncrosses and recrosses her legs to the other side, revealing shapely calves. She leans back in her chair before continuing in her sultry voice. “Intimacy begins in your mind. It starts with emotional connection. Both people in any healthy relationship have to allow themselves to be vulnerable for emotional connections to form. As those connections grow, they lead to intimacy. And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships,” she adds. “This applies to friendships as well. Part of the reason you’re closest to Mark and Lila is that you’ve shared emotionally raw moments. You and Lila have a shared trauma, and you experienced vulnerability and healing together. You’ve let Mark inside your pain, and he’s let you into his. You lack that deeper trust and connection with Tucker and Tom because even though you’re friends, you haven’t let yourself be vulnerable with either of them. If you want to deepen a relationship with someone, you have to be willing to bare your soul, to go below the surface.”
Her words ring with truth. “I don’t like being vulnerable,” I confess.
“Of course not. You were brutalized because you were physically vulnerable, and as a result, your mind and your body have gone into lockdown mode for self-protection. Your subconscious fear of pain keeps you from giving most people access to your feelings. You have a choice to make. You can wall yourself off to stay safe from emotional harm, or you can open yourself to others. Both options carry risks. Keeping everyone at arm’s length causes its own emotional pain, and opening yourself up to the wrong person can lead to harm. But you can choose to be intentionally open and vulnerable, a little at a time, with someone who might be worthy. It might be your Nice Guy. Or it might not.”
“I get what you’re saying about emotional connections,” I say slowly, “and I think I’d be willing to open up more to people I trust. But the biggest reason I’m here is because I don’t want to have another panic attack if I go out with Blake again.”
“It’s all interconnected.” She waves her hand breezily. “There are other things you can do. Visualization, desensitization techniques. I can make recommendations, if you like.”
“That’s why I’m here.” I hear the exasperation in my tone.
“Alright,” Willow replies with a hint of amusement. “I’ll give you homework. First, consider talking to Tom or Tucker about being more physical.”
“More physical? What does that mean? And how does that help if I see Blake again?”
Not that he’s asked.
Not that I blame him.
She continues as though I’d never spoken. “When I say physical, I don’t mean sexually. I mean affectionately. Touching hands. Sitting with an arm around you. Hugging. Leaning against each other. This particular task,” she taps her knee for emphasis, “involves you being vulnerable enough to talk about your fear in advance, and it will allow you to experience positive male touch with someone you trust. You’ve let your past convince your mind that touch between a man and a woman means pain. You have to change your inner dialogue. As you become more comfortable being affectionate with Tucker and Tom, you’ll find it easier with Blake, if you should choose to pursue that avenue. A romantic relationship would presumably lead to more physical intimacy than with Tom or Tucker. That’s why I suggest starting with a male friend to get your feet wet, so to speak.
“Your other piece of homework,” she continues, “is optional, but I highly recommend it. I want you to develop a sexual fantasy.” My eyes widen. “It could be about Blake, or the produce guy at the grocery store, or someone you’d never actually have an encounter with. This is a mental story you write, and you can move at whatever speed you’re comfortable with. If it becomes uncomfortable, back up to where you’re comfortable. This is about incremental progress, gradually easing yourself into the idea of sexual intimacy. Immerse yourself fully in your fantasy. Imagine what’s being said, who’s doing what to whom, how it feels. Pay attention to sounds, scents, and sensations.” My face burns. “Your goal is to create a positive view of sexual intimacy. And if your biggest fear right now is panicking during a kiss, start by visualizing kissing. Light kissing, French kissing, deep kissing. Lots of kissing.”
I drive home, my mind a jumbled mess. I didn’t schedule a follow-up appointment, because until I’ve put her suggestions into practice, there’s not much point. I suppose I need to figure out how to be more open with Tom and Tucker, but I’m not sure how to even start.
When I get home, Tucker’s truck and Tom’s SUV are in the driveway.
I forgot today was a workout day. I really wanted time to process everything Willow and I talked about. “Be open,” I mutter.
Loud music blasts from the weight room. I drop my bag on the foyer bench and peek inside. Lila’s running on the treadmill with her back to me. Mark is doing crunches while Tucker braces him, and Tom is bench-pressing an obscene amount of weights in the corner. I wave as Mark looks up, then point upstairs, and he nods.
I’m halfway up the stairs when my phone signals a text. It’s Blake.
“Are you free Saturday? Addison and Avery are spending the night, so we’re having Chinese takeout and watching movies. Thought maybe you’d like to join us.”
My stomach shocks me with a tiny flip, something I haven’t felt in years. That’s good, right? And he’s asked me to dinner again, this time with chaperones, so I’m less likely to panic.
