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Then I hear Mark’s voice in my head.
Breathe.
Slow and deep.
You’re okay, Baby Girl. Just breathe.
With tremendous effort, I drop my head and roll my shoulders. I slow my breaths, deepening them, fighting to regain control. I’m still way too emotional when metal squeaks to my right.
My eyes fly open. Blake has stepped back, putting my car door between us and opening it further to give me space. His arms rest casually atop the door, his hands in plain view. His body is at ease, though his eyes are troubled. His mouth moves, but I’m concentrating so hard on breathing that I miss his words. “What?”
“Please don’t be afraid.”
I shut my eyes, trying to calm myself, but when he keeps talking, I open them again.
“I won’t hurt you. You don’t need to be afraid of me.” His voice is gentle, like he’s trying to soothe a frightened rabbit.
Or in my case, a train wreck in the midst of a panic attack.
A lump forms in my throat, too large to swallow around. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, glancing away. I should never have agreed to this. It was easier with the old gray mules. I would never even have considered being alone with any of them in a deserted parking lot at midnight.
“Don’t be sorry. I had a good time tonight. I think you did, too.” He speaks slowly, calmly.
I nod cautiously. I was having a good time… until he mentioned foreplay.
He tips his head and smiles. “Maybe we can do this again sometime.”
I’m shocked to feel myself nodding in agreement.
His smile widens as he opens the car door further. “I hope so. Good night, Charlie.”
“Good night, Blake.”
My eyes linger on him for another second before I get inside. He closes my door and waits until I start my engine before strolling casually away.
Hot tears of frustration flow unchecked as I drive too fast down mostly empty streets. What the hell? One minute I’m smiling and saying I had a nice time. He smiled and said he enjoyed getting to know me. A second later, I have a meltdown, even though he didn’t do anything.
Fuck.
No matter how many crappy dates I’ve been on, none of them have brought me to tears. Tonight, I sob the entire time I'm barreling back to the safety of my house.
I just want to live in the moment like everyone else, without fear, without panic, without hang-ups. But wishing I were normal doesn’t change a damn thing, and I’m starting to think my damage runs too deep to be repaired.
I pull into my driveway behind Tucker’s enormous truck. Damn. I was hoping to sneak upstairs.
I check my eyes in the rearview mirror. They’re red, but thanks to my waterproof mascara, I don’t have inky trails down my cheeks. I can fake my way through this. I’ll just keep my distance. I press my icy hands against my face, then plaster on my best smile and go inside.
Mark and Tucker are in the living room, beer bottles and a pizza box on the coffee table. They’re watching an MMA match with the TV cranked up. I wave from the hallway when they both glance up. Tucker reaches for the remote and lowers the volume to a dull roar.
“Look at you. Grown-up clothes and everything,” he says admiringly.
“Thanks, Tucker. Nice shirt.” I gesture to his pizza-stained gray tee. “Is Lila here?”
He shakes his head. “She said something about peace and quiet and sent me on a playdate.”
I adopt a teasing tone. “Heaven forbid I interrupt your date night. I’m going upstairs. You guys have fun.” I feel Mark’s eyes, but I wave again and scoot upstairs like everything’s fine.
I change my clothes and sink into the recliner in the corner of my bedroom. Part of me wants to call Lila, while the other part knows exactly what she’ll say. She’ll encourage me to go see that sex therapist she and Tucker went to.
