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What am I doing?
What the hell am I doing here?
This is a mistake.
It’s not a good idea.
I’m not thinking clearly or rationally about what starting something with her would mean.
What about Cooper?
What about my carefully crafted life for him?
It never involved a step-parent. Would Nia even want that? I come as a package.
I stagger back from her, my heart racing.
“This was a mistake.”
It’s not what I mean to say, but it’s what comes out of my mouth.
As her face falls, I want to take back my words, stuff them back in my mouth, but I can’t. The real world doesn’t work like that, so all I can do is deal with the fallout of what I just said.
I brace for anything, half expecting her to slap me. I’d deserve it. She surprises me by pulling her lips into a tight line.
“A mistake?”
She’s stepped back from me, putting mental and physical distance between us.
“You’re married.”
“On paper, yes, but Thomas and I are very much separated, Jared.”
“I have a son.”
“I’m aware of that fact too.”
“I got his mother killed.”
She goes silent and I can see the cogs turning in her brain as the shock works across her face.
“What?” Her voice drops so low I can barely hear her.
“I got her killed. It’s my fault.”
“Jared… no.”
“You’d be better staying away from me, Nia.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“I want you to.” Saying these words gores me, but I need to protect her from my curse.
She nods. “Okay then. You should leave.”
I wince. I deserve that, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt all the same. “Nia—”
“Just go, Jared!”
Reluctantly, I push away from her and, with intense regret, I leave the store and Nia.
