AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Josh’s eyes are so solid on mine. “Do you think you’d still be together if you hadn’t left Cornwall?”
I feel the lid of the trapdoor rising in my stomach, and get the urge to stamp it shut again, but I don’t.
“Yeah. One hundred percent. I would have laughed in anyone’s face who said we’d ever split up. The idea would have been crazy.” I pause, take a sip of coffee. “Until the big city went to his head, and he turned into a lazy, disillusioned piece of shit and fucked me over for someone better. Well, I say better. Someone who looked up at him like he was a rock god, I guess, the way I used to before real life slammed me flat. He thought Carly had connections in the industry, she said she had. Whatever. Blah, blah, fucking blah. Who cares about the excuses? He left me for someone else. End of.”
I give a wave of dismissal, but Josh’s eyes don’t leave mine.
“Seven years is a long time. You must have really loved him.”
I feel a lump in my throat. Stupid damn memories.
“You could say that.”
“And how about now?”
“Um, no. And I wouldn’t ever take him back. He came begging for another chance before I left for Australia, actually. Told me he’d been wrong, and misguided, and didn’t want to be without me and all that crap.”
“What did you do?”
“I threw his shitty old rucksack in his face and told him to go fuck himself. Carly is welcome to him. He keeps messaging me from random numbers, but I don’t want to know. I used to send him the middle finger emoji before I blocked him, but now I don’t even bother, just reply with a no, and block the number. I could say a lot worse. He’s getting off lightly.”
Josh smiles along with me, but he doesn’t laugh it off.
“It’s easy to say someone can go fuck themselves when you’re still hurting though, isn’t it? You can bury it all you like, but seven years is a long time. A lot of happy times to write off for the sake of the bad. I’m not saying he’s not a fucking asshole for hurting you, or that you’d be scrambling to take him back in a million years, at least I hope not. But love is love, isn’t it? There must still be a load of it there, caught up in the past.”
“Maybe I still have some love for Connor, sure,” I say. “I don’t think it’s easy to just switch it off for someone after that long, no matter how much of a complete piece of shit they are at the end, or how many tears you’ve cried. The bonds ran right into the soul between me and him. That’s how I see it. Saw it. But something else has changed that can never be undone, not for anything. And that’s me, learning to love me.”
The glow I get at my own journey squashes the rage and the hurt dead in its tracks.
“I love myself now, finally,” I tell Josh. “And I believe I deserve better than the way Connor always idolised himself at my expense. I was a springboard for his ego, and thank fuck he was an asshole enough to let me see that, because I’ve now got way too much respect for myself to love someone who doesn’t love and respect me back, and Connor hasn’t done. Not for a long, long time. It was always his future he was focused on, not mine. Not ever. And it was the same for me. That’s what’s changed now. That’s what’s new. It’s not his dream I’m living anymore, it’s mine.” I hug the cushion tighter, ready to put my heart on the line. “My future in London looks a whole lot better than my past ever did. And part of that is because I met you.”
Josh grins. “That’s good to know. A big part of that or a small part of that?”
I tip my head and tap a finger on my chin. “Ummm. Let me think. Maybe medium. I dunno. We’ll see.”
“Medium… right. I’ve got some work to do.”
“Anyone would have. So far, I think you’re doing pretty well on the dream guy list, to be fair.”
“I like to be at the top of every list. Not just the naughty list.” He reaches out to squeeze my knee. “Not at the expense of anyone else, though. I like partnerships, not ego parades. I want to be there for someone else, just as they’re there for me.”
“Well, you’re climbing up my dreams list every minute.” I raise my mug. “Making a really good cup of coffee helps your cause, by the way. I love it when people pile in the sugar.”
“I’ll keep that in mind for the next time I make one.”
I lean my head against the sofa cushion. “Seriously though, Josh. I didn’t expect this. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, or planning one. There wasn’t a void in my life I wanted to fill. If anything, it was the opposite. But you showed up and it was like fireworks went off. I don’t care if it makes me a stupid idiot. Jumping in the deep end is worth a shot with a guy like you. And this isn’t a rebound. The last thing I needed or expected was to fall for someone else so soon. I wasn’t aching for another soulmate to come along and sweep me off my feet.”
“Same goes. One hundred percent,” he says. “We’re on a parallel on a lot of levels here.”
“Are we?” I look at his hand on my knee. “So, this isn’t a rebound for you, either? I’m not a girl who’s come along to fill a void someone else left behind?”
“No,” he says. “You’re not. Like you, the last thing I expected was to be diving in the deep end again after things with Amy came crashing down, but here we are. Fireworks for me, too.”
I nod, letting the silence settle, and feel the memories of Connor drifting away.
“Guess it’s time for your turn now,” I say. “Tit for tat.”
“Right. Ok.” He takes a breath. “I was with Amy for two and a half years until last summer. I thought she was the greatest goddess in creation, and hung on her every word. She was already an entertainer when I met her, and she loved it as much as I did. We’d talk about every proposal, and even re-enact some of the scenes.” He sighs. “I would have put my life on the line for her, honestly. But then, like you said, things change. People change. Life changes. She started going out more. Started talking less. Stopped sharing all the details of her proposals.” He looks up at the ceiling, and I wonder if he’s hurting at the memories, like I was. “She would show me things on her phone, but wouldn’t just hand it over without a thought like she did before. She’d put it down when I walked into the room sometimes, and pretend she hadn’t been using it, and she’d be later home than she’d planned some nights, to the point I was getting worried, freaking out whether she was ok. I’d get so worried I’d pace across the apartment.” He points out a route from the kitchen island to the treadmill. “Back and forth, over and over, with my phone in my hand, waiting for her to message and tell me she was ok.”
