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Another tiny rush of pride hits me, and I soak it up for all it’s worth. Far better than feeling gut punched all the time.
I did my best last night. I listened to Carly for hours, feeling her pain as though I was revisiting my own. I told her it would be ok, that he wasn’t worth it, and I was telling the truth. I hope at least part of her believed me, but I suspect not quite yet. Hugs and compassion always help, though. Especially when they come from places you expect nothing but hate.
Mum always says that compassion is way stronger an asset than resentment, and that hate hurts the person dishing it out more than the person receiving it. It goes rotten inside you, while they move on, unscathed. I’m coming to learn the truth in her words.
“How was the rest of the meal at the Mulberry?” I ask Tiff as she oils the pan.
“It was ok.”
I laugh. “That means it was crap, then.”
“Meh. Mack’s an ass, and Lochlan hardly knocked my socks off. We didn’t really click, you know? He was more interested in Bodica. Still had an alright time, I guess.” She smiles. “Except we were all worried about you.”
“I’m alright. My toilet bowl episode sorted me out just fine. You were a great help, thank you.”
She looks at me with her eyebrows raised. “You’re alright? Numb, you mean, more like it?”
I chew over my reply.
“Numb, maybe, but there’s more to it than that. It feels like I’ve had a purging of the soul now the final slams of revelation have hit home. I’m over Connor, and I have no shame whatsoever in being an entertainer. It’s what I do, it’s what I love, it’s who I am.” I manage a bitchy grin. “Connor can croon about it for the world and bask in the ocean of fake sympathy from people who haven’t got a clue what the fuck really happened, but it makes no difference to me. I’ll still wake up every morning in bed with Josh, set to go about my awesome new life with a smile on my face.”
It's true.
I never wanted to be a megastar in the public view for the world to see. I just wanted to be loved, and love myself, and that’s what I’ve got now. Loving my career is a side benefit I’d never seen coming. The icing on the cake of happiness, with filthy fairy sprinkles on top.
I only pray Mum and Dad will be able see it that way…
The thought of unveiling the inevitable truth takes me back to the toilet barfing at the Mulberry far more than Connor ever could. Damn it. It better not interfere with my pancakes.
At least I’ve got some time to plan my admission speech in front of my folks.
You’ve been charged with being the whore in Connor’s viral masterpiece. How would you like to plead, Ella?
Guilty.
Ouch.
I turn my attention back to Tiff. She looks a bit defeated herself as she pours the pancake mix into the pan. Her eyes don’t have their usual sparkle. She’s just… flat.
“You really liked Lochlan, didn’t you?” I say, and she jolts.
“What?”
“You were into him. I could see it a mile off.”
Josh nods at my side to back me up, but she swats it away.
“I wasn’t crazy about him, just thought there might be something in it. But it’s cool if he isn’t into me. I probably wouldn’t have been into him either by the time it came to it. And I’m not sure I could handle being with an entertainer. You guys do ok, and Eb does ok and all that, and brill to you, congrats, but me? I’m not sure. Who cares, anyway? We just didn’t gel.”
It’s as though she’s defending herself from an invisible accusation. Something to justify.
Another peek of Tiffany breaking through the confidence of Creamgirl.
“Anyway,” she says. “Talking about pairs of entertainers, how are you two feeling about your upcoming proposal?” She smirks at me as the pan sizzles, what a blatant distraction. “Keen to see Josh get it on, hot and horny with a hot and horny guy?”
“You could say that.” I smile at Josh. “It should be me paying for that pleasure.”
Josh wraps an arm around my shoulder.
