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TWENTY-EIGHT
Juliet
The hotel was dim and quiet as I dragged back to my room, heartbroken and exhausted. Even though I hadn’t promised Finn anything, I’d still stayed for too long and kissed him raw, as if I’d never see him again. As if I wasn’t going to see him at the wedding in a few hours.
We were going to dress up for this wedding, and we were going to make nice. And when it was over—then what? I couldn’t answer. I was too tired and confused and sad to sort my thoughts. I wanted to sleep, but that wasn’t going to happen, because Vicki was standing outside of my hotel room, leaning against the wall, her arms crossed, waiting for me.
I frowned at her as I rummaged for my room key. I’d left her saying goodbye to her guests at the pier after the party ended. Mom and I had helped the caterer load his dishes, and I’d paid the shady captain his money. Vicki had been busy hugging Melanie when I left.
“What’s wrong?” I asked Vicki now, taking in her messy hair and smudged mascara. She was supposed to be in her own room, getting her beauty sleep for the wedding tomorrow.
“You didn’t say goodbye again,” she said. “And where have you been?” She narrowed her eyes, probably noticing my reddened lips. “Jules. You were hooking up?”
I was suddenly so tired I felt like crying. “Can we not?” I asked, and opened my door, walking past her into my room.
“Who was it?” she asked, following me. “You can’t have met someone, so that means—Jesus. It was Finn?”
Of course she’d figure it out. It was hardly a complicated mystery. She’d probably have guessed long ago if she’d had a five-minute conversation with me. I was bad at secrets. My face gave everything away, and I could never school my reactions and feelings the way good liars could.
I untied my sneakers and pulled them off, keeping my back to her. I walked toward the bathroom. I didn’t want her to see the tears that threatened to spill.
“How could you, Jules?” Vicki followed me. “This is my wedding, and you fooled around with the best man? Don’t you take anything seriously? You couldn’t even?—”
I whirled on her. “Not one more word,” I said to her. “Not one. Don’t talk to me about Finn, or I’ll pack my bag and go home right now. He is off limits. You can judge me and slut shame me, but do it behind my back like everyone else does, okay?”
Vicki drew back in shock, and her gaze traveled my face. I’d lost the battle with the tears, and I could feel them running down my cheeks, ruining my makeup. “Jules, no,” she said. “I wasn’t.”
“No? Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. You were just making sure I knew that Finn is too good for your piece-of-shit sister, that the idea of us together is a joke. Like I don’t have feelings. Like I’ve never had any fucking feelings.”
Vicki looked stricken. “You care about him,” she said, her voice soft.
I made a scoffing sound and turned away. I walked into the bathroom and picked up the makeup wipes I’d left on the counter, scrubbing them over my face, erasing myself. Erasing everything about me. Making me nothing again.
Vicki followed me to the bathroom doorway. “Jules, I’m sorry. I thought you were just fooling around.”
“Because you didn’t ask,” I said, twisting the tap to turn the water on.
She sounded chastened. “No. I didn’t.”
I grabbed a hotel facecloth and doused it in the water, staring at it intently. I couldn’t look up, into the mirror. The last thing I wanted to see was me.
“How long have you been seeing each other?” my sister asked.
That made fresh tears run down my cheeks, hot over my scrubbed skin. I lowered my face to the sink and hid my tears in the water.
I love you, he’d said.
Finn loved me. Only now were those words truly sinking in, a delayed reaction, and they ricocheted through me like a bullet. He loved me, and all I could do was cry.
Vicki waited in silence. She stayed in her spot in the doorway.
“I feel everything for him,” I finally confessed into the sink. It was true. He made me feel love and terror and anger and insecurity and happiness like I had never imagined. He made me feel calm and centered, yet upended at the same time. He made me feel lust and jealousy and hope. He’d said that he’d never felt more alive, and neither had I, because being with him made me realize that I’d been living half-dead for years, going through the motions. Not feeling, trying, hoping for anything. Afraid of failure and disappointment. Telling myself I was being smart.
Being alive was painful, and it was frightening. I couldn’t feel this way and still navigate the rest of my life alone. I couldn’t feel this way without Finn.
Vicki was still waiting, so I scrubbed my face again and said, “I feel everything for him, and I can’t stop. I keep trying to stop. It doesn’t work. I feel more and more and more, and it shouldn’t be happening, but it is. It’s burning me up inside.” I twisted off the water and braced myself on the counter, still staring down, unable to look in the mirror. “I know everyone thinks we don’t fit. I knew you’d be mad. That’s why I didn’t tell you, or Mom. I tried to make it not happen, Vicki, I really did.” I finally raised my gaze and looked at her in the mirror, avoiding the sight of my own face. “I swear I tried, but he’s Finn, you know? He’s Finn.”
“I know.” Her voice was soft and understanding. “I’m sorry, Jules. I want you to be happy. I promise.”
