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‘He had pimples and pale skin and soft hands. He was nervous around Agnesa. He said she was a good cook, like his mother, and told her he was going to university to study engineering.’
‘What about the others?’
‘They drank a lot and played cards.’
‘You saw them?’
‘Once, before the storm.’
‘Why were you on deck?’
‘At night, if the seas were calm, they let the women and children out of the hold. And sometimes I would help Agnesa prepare the meals.’
‘What did you see?’
‘Four men at a table. They were playing cards for money. Poker. I knew the rules because Aunt Polina taught me. I knew when to bluff and when to fold and how to ride out a run of bad cards. We never played for money – only for matchsticks or biscuits.’
‘What do you remember about the men?’
‘They drank a lot and swore.’
‘Was one of them Angus Radford?’
‘He had a beard and dirty hair and hooded eyes.’
‘Did he have burns on his neck?’
‘No, but he had a mermaid tattoo just here.’ I point to my biceps. ‘The tail curled down to his wrist, and when he bent his arm, she looked like she was swimming.’
‘Picture the table. Where were they each sitting?’
‘It was shaped like a horseshoe. Finn sat facing the stairs. He was eating baked beans from a saucepan. Spooning them into his mouth, wiping his chin. Another man was on his right, but I only saw the side of his face. Angus and Cam were next to each other.’
‘Go back to the storm,’ says Cyrus.
‘I don’t want to.’
‘It’s important.’
I force myself, returning to a time when everything shook and rocked and heaved. Water had begun leaking through the hatches and sloshing back and forth as the boat moved.
We were yelling for help. Cam opened one of the hatches and emptied the bucket. Agnesa begged him to let Mama out of the hold. She needed fresh air. A horizon. A sky to focus upon. He said it was too dangerous.
Time passed. Mama’s pulse grew rapid and feeble, and her legs could no longer support her. More water entered the hold. First it came to our ankles and then our knees, sloshing from side to side as the boat rolled. Again, we screamed for help and hammered on the hatches. Nobody came. We thought the crew had abandoned us, left us to drown.
I was afraid of dying, but I was more afraid of living for another minute or an hour in that horrible place. Nothing before or since has matched that terror and that includes hiding in a secret room, hearing them search for me, ripping up carpets and knocking holes in walls, calling my name.
My chest heaves and I feel myself scream. I’m halfway across the room when Cyrus catches me. Holds me. Whispers, ‘You’re safe, Evie. You’re here with me. Shhhh.’
‘I almost remembered.’
‘I know, but it’s too much. We can try again another time.’
‘No. Take me back. Please.’
‘I won’t risk damaging you.’
‘I want to go back. You said I was strong.’
