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“Yes, that’s what you’ve told me. You moved us to a new city and said that my father has a new family now and he doesn’t love us anymore.”
My mother stiffened beside me and I wanted to stop, but now that this dam was broken, I couldn’t push the water back in. It came rushing out like a raging river. “Do you know how that sounds to a little girl? That her father doesn’t love her anymore? That he loves his new family? I thought I was unworthy of love. I thought I was incapable of it. I’ve been so angry with him that I resented you. But you haven’t been innocent, have you? In your need to hurt him, unintentionally or not, you hurt me, too.”
My mother squeezed my hand, and a sob escaped from her lips, but she quickly covered it up. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I said, pulling her into my arms. “I shouldn’t have said that. We don’t have to talk about this now.”
My mother wiped her face with her free hand and shook her head. “We do. We do have to talk about this now because I want to get it out so we can move forward. I want to move forward with you, sweetheart, and this has come between us and I want to fix it.”
I nodded and tears rolled down my cheeks. I buried my face in her shoulder. I’d wanted to ask her about this so many times, but I was too afraid to bring it up. Afraid that she would blame me, afraid that she would remind me that he had left and loved a new family and not us, afraid that she might not love me, either. I was afraid of being rejected, left in the dark, all alone.
Oh my god. That was why I had such a hard time forgiving Jake for driving away that night. It was a shitty thing he did, but it cut me deeper than I wanted to admit. And now I understand why.
“Did he ever try to contact me, Mom?”
She nodded and sniffed. “Yes. But I told him never to contact me again. That I never wanted to see him for as long as I lived.”
I had suspected something like that, but my heart never wanted to believe it. But instead of feeling worse, I felt better. My father hadn’t rejected me. He had tried to reach out.
My body stopped shivering, and I felt calmer now.
“I forgive you, Mom,” I said and tears fell down my face in earnest now, even though I felt lighter in my soul.
My mother let out a painful sob, and she pulled me into her arms. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I never thought how rejecting him would hurt you. I thought we would be better off without him. But I know I did it for selfish reasons. I wanted to be rid of him. But you, you deserved a father.”
The lump was still there in my throat, and I nodded, accepting her words and her apology. “I know.” I clasped our hands together. “I understand. And I forgive you.”
Because forgiving her felt like the first step in forgiving my father, too. I had been angry with him at first, then when I remembered the good times, I didn’t want to be angry and so I blamed myself. But now that my mother had accepted the fault in her actions, I no longer blamed her. She had been hurt, and she reacted badly. I could understand that.
“Let’s get some rest,” I said. “We’ll call Dad in the morning.”
My mother stiffened beside me but quickly acquiesced. It was a big step for her, admitting she was wrong and allowing me to take control of the situation. It would go a long way in helping us heal. My heart knew it as well as my head as it beat steadily in my chest and the lump disappeared in my throat.
I closed my eyes and slept like a baby in my mother’s bed.
***
A warm caress on my cheek filtered through my senses as I gently left the dream world for the real one. I blinked a few times, slowly absorbing the large man looming over my bed. Jake’s somber face crystalized, and I smiled. “Good morning,” I said with a croak.
He smiled. “It’s more like, good afternoon.”
I turned to the empty space beside me. “Where is my mother?”
“She showered and dressed a while ago. We all agreed it was best to let you sleep. But I couldn’t help checking in on you. Did you sleep well? Have any bad nightmares?”
Remembering a pleasant dream of me playing cards with my father, I smiled. “No, actually. None at all.”
“Good. Once you’re dressed, there are a few things we need to discuss. Will and Christian are already out there with your mother. Join us whenever you’re ready.”
Jake sounded serious. His face lost all the good humor it had held when he had first awoken me. “I’ll be out in a few minutes. I’m just going to take a quick shower.”
Jake caressed my cheek one last time and then left. I pursed my lips as his gesture seemed strangely like a goodbye.
What had I missed while I’d been sleeping?
I showered quickly in my mother’s ensuite and dressed in the clothes I’d worn earlier. I quickly blow-dried my hair and stepped out into the living room where my mother, Jake, and the other men were waiting.
“I’m sorry for keeping you,” I said, walking up to Jake, who stood pacing near the dining room table.
“It’s no problem. We were just tying up some loose ends, anyway.”
