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I’m downright giddy. The costumes are amazing. I’d be honored to just play dress up in them. But wearing them on camera, day after day, while getting to embody Charlotte’s character on the small screen? That’s a dream I never dared to dream.
There’s a small group going out for drinks afterward. They invite me to tag along. But I end up going back to my hotel room alone.
I’m flattered that they’d invite me. I’m still the girl who has always felt like an outsider. But after everything that’s happened today, I’m exhausted. And even though the crew seems pretty confident that I’m going to get the part, I realize that I don’t really feel like celebrating at all.Because nothing feels right.
Without Stella…
Without Nolan…
Without Karli and Nicky and Daphne and Layla…
There’s just no one here I want to share this moment with.
This aching emptiness fills me. To be honest, it’s not the feeling that I was expecting.
As I get in the back of a taxi and ride from the audition venue to my Manhattan hotel, I can only imagine celebrating with Nolan. Sharing the stories of today. Unloading my excitement and lingering nervousness.
But he’s hundreds of miles away, probably already tucked into bed after a long day.Heck, there’s a good chance that his ex has already sunken her claws into him. That idea hurts even more. It makes me question everything.
I know that this show is a great opportunity. It’s everything, in terms of advancing my career. But a part of me yearns for Nolan’s presence. A part of me wonders if he's really happy for me. A part of me wishes I was back home in his arms.
Instead, I’m here in my stiff hotel bed, staring out at the city lights below. All alone.Wondering if I made the right choice, if this sacrifice was even worth it.
New York—no matter how rich and vibrant and alive the city is—feels a lot colder without Nolan by my side.
49
NOLAN
Idrive home from the bar after my closing shift, which I ended up handling solo.
It’s late.
I’m tired. I’m grumpy. I’m irritable.
I’m feeling a little pissed at the whole world right now.
Inez is gone again, and it’s just as I said. Everything has gone to shit.
Work today was a complete disaster. It’s days like this that make me doubt every decision I’ve made in life. Like, what the hell am I doing, thinking that I can run a successful business? But here I am playing head honcho, accountant, and waiter, all in one.
Tonight was a disaster of epic proportions. In the middle of the evening rush, some idiot started smoking right there inside the bar. I told him to cut it out and he dropped his cigarette on his plate, storming out like I was being unreasonable.
When my bus boy cleared the table, the idiot threw out the burning ash. He just tossed it all out with the regular trash, right into the alley dumpster. Which naturally sent the dumpster up in flames, fueled by half empty bottles of beer. It was a fucking spectacle.
Luckily, Joe saw the fire through the kitchen window and was out there with a fire extinguisher by the time the fire trucks arrived.
There wasn’t any major damage to my place, other than some charred, smoky brick on the outside wall that’s going to require some serious elbow grease to scrub clean.
In the end, all the kid had to say for himself was, “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” about three hundred times.
Good fucking grief. Can I fire an employee for being a total dumbass? Can I put that on a dismissal form?
If our HR department was any more than the one-man-band of me, myself, and I, I’d probably have a definitive answer. And a better staff.
Just add it to my list of things I need to figure the hell out without Inez.
In a blur, I somehow make it home. I pull into my yard, tires crunching over the remaining gravel. After I turn the car off, I just sit there in the dark.
