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The words free themselves like a flurry of butterflies escaping a cage. ‘To start off, I helped push this play into the spotlight by starting a fake relationship with you. And let’s not pretend that my motives weren’t selfish –’
‘Selfish? Farah, you used the publicity to help –’
‘I didn’t, though,’ I interrupt, with a haggardness in my voice. ‘Asking you to bring casting agents and directors to the audience was for me. I took the lead role, for my dreams. And I should’ve thought that through. I should’ve realized I wasn’t fit for this industry. I can’t be like you. I can’t be silent when I need to be; I can’t play the role as well as you can.’
Zayan’s expression is impossibly soft and sad. ‘You don’t have to be like me. No one wants that. I certainly don’t. I think I made a mistake by telling you to stay quiet.’
‘A mistake?’
‘Silence, Farah, I’ve learned through meeting you, is a great weapon. It’s also an awful punishment. To remain silent and be forced to endure. That isn’t what I want for you.’
I laugh harshly, an echo of anger pulsing in my voice. ‘Isn’t that great? Then I should give up being an actor, because there’s no place in this industry for my voice.’
‘That’s not true, Farah. If it were, you wouldn’t have fans now. And I know it’s so easy to focus on the hate. But there are people who love you, who are excited to see you perform this week. Fans of your voice. The negativity can overshadow it, but please, please don’t let it.’
I want to give in. I want to cave and agree with him. But I can’t stop seeing the anger-fuelled comments behind my eyelids, the headlines in my mind. I can’t believe that anyone would come and see me.
‘As for being ambitious, there’s nothing wrong with that,’ Zayan continues. ‘The Tragedies wouldn’t and shouldn’t judge you for that. Choosing yourself doesn’t make you a bad person.’
I shake my head, clenching my teeth to keep the tears at bay. Zayan walks round the table and clutches both of my hands.
‘I can’t convince you that you’re enough, Farah,’ he murmurs. ‘I wish I could. I wish I could show you what you look like to me. How I see you. Because then there wouldn’t be a shadow of a doubt in your mind that you’re a star.’
I swallow roughly. ‘You shouldn’t say these things to me.’ They’re unintentionally cruel. ‘Laiba wouldn’t like it.’
He presses our foreheads together. ‘Laiba’s thoughts aren’t my problem. I’m not back together with her. We talked that night at the gala; we cleared the air. I got my closure. And then, once we were done, I walked away. I searched for you. I looked all over the gala, and then that text came.’ He laughs ruefully, the sound chipping away at my heart. ‘I was so scared. Terrified that something had happened to you. Then you disappeared.’
I watch the way his throat swallows, hearing the tremors of insecurity in his voice.
‘Leaving you was awful,’ I whisper. ‘I’ve been torturing myself by reading things about you. Articles. Tweets, using a secret account I made. Believe me, leaving you was – is – was – never going to be easy.’
‘Why?’
I close my eyes, my fingers clutching his sweater like it will somehow stop him from inevitably pulling away.
I’m going to cross the line.
‘I’m in love with you.’
He rears back, and I let his sweater go.
‘Say it again,’ Zayan demands, and I flinch at the disbelief in his voice.
‘I know this is going to change everything,’ I reply harshly. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. ‘But you’re the one who started saying things like “I belong to you”. So you can’t sit here and pretend like this is foreign news to you, OK?’
He smiles, two dimples pressing into his cheeks, and shakes his head. ‘You’ve got it all wrong, Farah. I just – I didn’t think you’d ever say anything like this to me. I know we’ve spoken about attraction. We’ve put our friendship and our professional partnership above everything.’
‘Are you mad at me for crossing the line?’ I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
His smile quietens as seriousness flashes over his expression. ‘I’m not mad at you, Farah. I’m more mad at myself that I didn’t make my feelings clearer in the beginning.’ He breathes in sharply, all his words escaping in a gush. ‘That day, outside the Limelight, when I asked for your friendship, I thought that was all I wanted. That I’d be content with companionship. You were looking for someone who was ready for forever, and I still believed I wasn’t capable of wanting that again. But, Farah, you star in all my dreams. I want to jump over the line. I’m in love with you too.’ My breath stumbles at his words, quickening as he slides his palm under my chin, tilting my head. ‘You were the first person I wanted to call when I found out I got that movie role. You’ve seen me at my worst, and you’ve only ever supported me. As if I couldn’t be any more obvious, I changed my entire sleep schedule in anticipation of our 3 a.m. calls, because hearing your voice is a thousand times better than any dream I could’ve been having.’
Sunlight streams through the flat from our massive lone window, bathing Zayan in gold and warmth. My heartbeat races alongside his, matching it in pace and intensity.
‘You love me?’ I ask, now understanding why he wanted me to repeat it earlier. A part of me knew this to be true, but to hear him say it is a feeling unlike anything else.
Zayan’s smile widens. ‘I love you.’
My heart is running so fast in my chest now it’s starting to make me feel faint. And my head, it’s full of questions. I want to know what this means. Where do we go from this? How serious is this? But, before we can talk about anything, a soft cough forces us apart. Our faces, in unison, snap to Amal and Maha standing in the kitchen doorway.
