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She left when I was at my lowest.
Despite my hands shaking, I switch off the tap. Before, I felt like fleeing, as if I was the one who had made some mistake by being here, but now I wait.
The latch to her stall opens, and if she’s surprised to see me still there, it doesn’t show in her expression. She takes the sink next to mine, bending a little to wash her hands. She’s shorter than me (which I already knew, because most of Zayan’s fans love to lament his height difference with her), but her presence isn’t small. If anything, the atmosphere feels as if we’re both on even ground.
‘Break up with him,’ Laiba says, her voice low and controlled.
Shock hits my system like a punch. What did she just say?
‘Excuse –’ I begin, disbelief colouring my words.
Laiba straightens and faces me. ‘You need to break up with him,’ she repeats, pointing to the towels behind me. I sidestep, allowing her to dry her hands.
I have so many things I want to say – Who do you think you are? is just one of them – but what falls from my mouth is an incredulous but curious ‘Why?’
She sighs, rubbing her palms furiously with the towel before turning to face me again. Her lips are painted a glossy nude, her eyelids shimmer in gold and her hair has been slicked back to show off the sharp angles of her face. She’s undeniably beautiful, but underneath all that instantaneously captivating allure I see a jagged sharpness, like a shard of broken glass.
‘He’s a star,’ Laiba says, not helping my confusion. ‘He shines very brightly. So brightly that sometimes it’s impossible to share the sky with him.’ Her words are spoken softly, as if to avoid startling me away, but there’s an urgency underlying her tone. It pulls my unwilling attention. ‘I was with Zayan for only a year, and do you know how many movies I was cast in alone? Not as his co-star? One. In the six months since leaving him, I’ve been cast in two solo movies and a new TV series, and people know my name.’
‘We knew your name before,’ I say, confused.
She lets out a sardonic breath. ‘No, you didn’t. You only knew my name with a condition: Zayan’s girlfriend, Laiba Siddiqi. Zayan’s partner, Laiba Siddiqi. Zayan’s future wife, Laiba Siddiqi. Now I am Laiba Siddiqi. Full stop. No conditions. No additions. I am no longer an afterthought to Zayan’s name.’
Understanding filters through my mind like rays of moonlight, but I don’t enjoy what it illuminates. I am reminded of the interview we did with the LSDCATS actors – how every question directed to me was about Zayan. How, in every article, I am linked to him. To his prestige. This relationship hasn’t set my stage … it has allowed me to share the background of his.
I want to crawl back into the shadows and pretend none of this is happening. It’s a cowardly urge, a selfish one, but it surges through me nonetheless. And if I was a more indulgent person, maybe I would have walked away. I would’ve forced myself to forget what Laiba has said. But I don’t. A battered, bruised part of me is holding on to that dream of making it big, and it’s that fragment that roots me to this conversation.
Laiba continues, a serious expression flitting over her face. ‘You should capitalize on your popularity, change the narrative, without Zayan.’
‘Why didn’t you ever share this with him?’ I ask, feeling a loyalty to him and a genuine curiosity.
Her smile flicks downwards, brushed with sadness. ‘He wouldn’t have understood. He’d have tried to, but I just know he’d never have got it.’
I want to tell her she’s underestimating him. I think of his hand intertwining with mine, solid and ever present, but then I think of his one-track mind when it comes to his dreams. I can understand how hard he would’ve tried to stay with Laiba, both for love and for his reputation.
‘I made a mistake by getting into a relationship with him so young,’ Laiba continues, her voice desperately sad. ‘I wish I had waited. I wish I had thought of myself and not of everyone else for a moment. I would’ve seen how important it was for me to establish who I wanted to be before I linked myself to someone who was rising through the ranks wildly. Someone who didn’t really envision us being together in the long term.’ She smiles encouragingly now. ‘If you want to be a star, Farah, you have to choose yourself. Break it off now, before you fall in love with him.’
My heart thuds painfully against my ribs at her use of the word ‘love’. Zayan was so sure he’d never love me, and I was so adamant I wouldn’t fall in love with him.
‘I’m going to leave first,’ I settle on saying, enjoying the look of surprise on Laiba’s face despite the anguish currently coursing through me. ‘It’ll look less like we’ve had a massive fight in the bathrooms. I don’t want any bad press right now.’
Laiba laughs kindly, in a commiserating way. ‘They’ve trained you pretty well for such a short amount of time.’
I grin, like we’re sharing an inside joke, but then my smile dips. Her words are a reminder of my loyalties. ‘He deserves to know why you left. He thinks it’s because he wasn’t enough for you.’
Her smile is wiped off, a guarded look entering her eyes. Maybe she didn’t suspect that Zayan and I were truly that close, that he’d bare such a vulnerable part of himself to me, or that he’d have anyone to defend him. Before she can say more, I continue.
‘I know you think you can’t face him, but that’s not fair to him. Not really. He deserves the truth.’ My tone turns fierce with how badly I want Zayan to know that this break-up was not because of him.
Hesitation lines her face, but I can see the seedling of urgency I’ve planted in her mind beginning to blossom. The silence starts to build again, so I make my exit. I see Zayan leaning against one of the marble pillars, facing away from me, head tipped backwards as people walk by.
I belong to you. That guy needed to know that. You need to know that.
My thoughts all scream to leave. Run. To not give into this yet. Not to face change right now. I look to my left to see if I can make an escape. I can. There’s a fire exit.
The door to the bathroom opens moments later, and I sidestep to let Laiba pass. She looks confused to see me still standing here, but after a moment her gaze lands on Zayan as well.
I watch as she steels herself, breathes in sharply and fills her bones with determination. She spares me one final glance, and I give her a short, encouraging nod. And then she walks to him.
