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‘Oh, come on, when are you going to let that go? I was mad! I didn’t even know you,’ Zayan replies. ‘And when you asked me that question, I wasn’t friends with them. But after the escape room, things changed. The rehearsals, hanging out with the guys virtually while playing GTA – a lot of conversation happens when you’re screaming at one another over a mic. I didn’t realize I had to formally announce my friendship. I thought it was obvious. But then I see them all at your flat. What am I supposed to think?’
‘It was Desi Night,’ I explain, frustration leaking into my voice. ‘It’s a night to celebrate being brown. You told me before that you find it difficult to connect with your culture. And you know what? If you hadn’t been so freaking closed off all the time, and maybe voiced that you wanted to be friends, I’d have invited you. But you’re the one who said Everything I do with you will be part of our arrangement. You’re the one who sent me a relationship contract.’ My tone rises in anger at the thought. ‘That’s not very friendly.’
‘I sent it because I thought it was what you wanted. You clearly didn’t want to be friends with me; why not just cement it with a contract? Make it official.’
I scoff loudly, arms uncrossing. ‘I never wanted that! You’re the one who didn’t want this to be anything more than a partnership.’
‘Not true!’ he shoots back, his heated tone matching mine. ‘OK, partially true. But do you tell all your friends every single thing?’
I open my mouth to say a resounding yes before snapping it shut. The audition with the LSDCATS flashes like a bright neon sign in my head.
A smug, satisfied smile touches Zayan’s lips before softening. He edges closer towards me, breathing in deeply just as darkness starts to edge into the sunset.
‘I want to be your friend, Farah,’ Zayan says, his voice soft and firm all at the same time. ‘I like The Tragedies. I like the play. You make me like being on stage. I like that you and I know each other’s rituals.’ He swallows tightly, looking as if what he’s about to say next physically pains him. ‘I don’t have a lot of friends. I have old school friends that I’m out of touch with, one guy I grew up with, but that’s about it. I’ll be there whenever you need me. I’m dependable. I believe in loyalty above anything else. I’ll respect you when you don’t want to talk about things. I’ll defend you forever. So, if you’ll accept my friendship, I can promise you those things.’
My heart stutters, and a yes is on the tip of my tongue. But then I think of what saying yes really means. I’ll be around him even more now, this time with added friendship duties. What if my feelings change? When this was just a mutually beneficial partnership, I knew there was an expiry date on how long I’d get to be with Zayan. There was no opportunity for my feelings to evolve. But if we’re friends, I’m potentially agreeing to have him in my life forever. What if, somewhere in forever, my feelings for him go from attraction to something more? What if I start to want something from him that he can’t ever give me?
‘No,’ I blurt out, horrified at the realization. ‘I can’t.’
Zayan’s face transforms, shattering into hurt so quickly that it pulls at my heart. ‘Why not?’
‘Because …’ I trail off.
‘Tell me, Farah,’ he says, just above a whisper. ‘I can handle it.’
There’s no self-depreciation in his tone, no condescension either, just genuine curiosity. My chest aches when I realize he actually wants to know. He wants to fix himself, so it won’t happen again.
‘It’s because … because … Oh, fine, it’s because you’re attractive,’ I eventually say, all the words I held back before tumbling out now. ‘I think you’re good-looking, all right? And I’m worried that if we become friends it will mean further closeness, which will mean more attraction. I can’t promise those feelings won’t deepen. I can try to ignore them; I think it would be best if we didn’t tempt –’
Zayan’s laugh cuts off my rambling. It’s a violent laugh, one that judders through him. I watch, amusement coursing through me at the sound, even as my cheeks brighten a little in embarrassment.
His laughter finally fizzles out, and he scoots closer to me, our knees brushing. He leans in, eyes gleaming with delight. ‘Do you know how adorable you are?’ My blush heightens. ‘You don’t think it would be hard for me to be friends with you? You’re gorgeous, Farah. Have you seen yourself perform? You’re enchanting. You won’t be alone in reining your feelings in.’ His broad smile pushes a dimple into his cheek.
That abrupt beating of my heart from before has skyrocketed into something that can’t be entirely healthy. I need to say something, anything, before I dissolve into a puddle.
‘I know you’re not looking for a relationship, and that you’re focusing solely on your career. I’m doing the same thing, and either way, I want someone who’s in it for the long term. Someone who wants to fall in love,’ I say, and something in Zayan’s eyes dims. Like a spotlight fading. ‘I just don’t want to make it harder for you to stick to your relationship ban, if we’re already, you know, attracted to one another.’
Zayan says nothing for several moments, his gaze locked on mine, and I’d give anything to be in his mind right now.
‘I won’t let myself step over that line,’ Zayan says, his tone serious. But then his lips curve into a half smile. ‘Not unless you ask me to.’
My stomach clenches at the challenge in his voice. My fears are still there, but if Zayan is confident nothing is going to change between us, then I suppose I have to trust him not to cross that line – or to let me cross it.
‘All right, fine. If you don’t think it’s going to be a problem for you, then it won’t be a problem for me. We can be friends, and just that.’
His grin makes another dimple pop on his other cheek, and in a sudden movement he hoists me up by the arm and propels us so that we’re facing one another, our side profiles visible to the street.
‘Paparazzi. Lacey kind of told me that we needed to be photographed together today to help get our edge back from the LSDCATS,’ he says in the face of my confusion. Of course. That makes sense. No wonder he was sitting outside, waiting for me. However, surprisingly, his smile doesn’t melt into his practised one. ‘Thought we should give them a little something.’
Thinking of Lacey reminds me of the contract, and I look down to see I’m still holding it. Zayan’s gaze follows mine, and he gently takes the folder from my hands. He flips it open and reads the contract, regret shadowing his eyes.
‘I was going to sign it today,’ I explain, ‘and give it to you.’
He doesn’t respond to that. Instead, Zayan pulls the contract out of the folder, hands the plastic cover back to me, and rips the paper into big square pieces. He makes a show of letting them fall from his hands, like confetti, before silently meeting my incredulous stare.
‘That’s littering,’ I say finally.
He snorts, a new sound I’ve never heard from him. It triggers a laugh from me too. And then, the next thing I know, we’re in hysterics. About the fact that I didn’t want to be his friend because he was too pretty. About the fact that he was too emotionally unaware to ask for my friendship. About nothing. About everything.
