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“I know.”
“It seems unreal. I made it this long without having faced death. All those funerals. I’ve probably seen a dead body every day of my life. You’d think I’d be better prepared. Always on the lookout for when death finally claimed one of my own. But this is so much worse than I’d ever expected. And he’s still not exactly dying. We have a long time left.”
“Yes, you do. Probably.”
“It’s just... no matter how long, it won’t be enough.”
“It never is with the ones we love.”
I nodded.
“Thanks for getting angry with me.”
She huffed a laugh and kissed the top of my head. “You’re welcome.”
“I’m sorry you married a selfish prick.”
She leaned her head against mine as we settled in to watch the fire die.
“I knew what I was getting into.”
Decca
I trudged up thefinal steps of the grand staircase. I’d only been upstairs in this house once, on the night of Gus’s graduation party, when I’d snuck into his room to get away from the noise. It was oddly quiet today.
I turned the corner to see Jim with his feet kicked up, buried in a puffy recliner, watching TV, a can of beer beside him.
“How are you feeling, Jim?
“A lot better, since I stopped taking those pills.”
“That’s great.”
“Have a seat, kiddo. I want to talk to you.”
This couldn’t be good.I sat in the other recliner and tucked my feet under me.
“Gus seems happier lately. You two getting along alright? He treating you good?”
“I think so. I hope I’m treating him well, too.”
“Mmm.” He chuckled. “I can’t imagine he has any complaints.”
We were quiet for a while as we both focused on the muted spaghetti western playingon the TV.
“There’s a kind of irony, a funeral director dying on an upper floor,” he said, “knowing his son will have to carry his body down the extra steps.”
It sounded like he thought his death was imminent, but I only noticed the robustness in his voice. His lungs had plenty of support for breath. He was still up and about, and not confined to his hospital bed, though I knew they’d delivered one.
“The rest of my life will exist on this floor.” He continued. “There’s a comfort in knowing that.”
That wasn’t true. I’d heard similar thoughts expressed by others who’d passed in my company. But Jim wasn’t ready to pass. He could come and go as he pleased. He could make it downstairs if he wanted.
“Jim?
“I want to hire you to do your thing… be my death doula.”
I chuckled, more with relief than anything.
