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“What is he guilty of?”
“Accepting what I offered him.”
She inhaled and blew out a long breath. She was aware of some of my situation, but she’d never been a true confidante. As my professor and mentor, I’d yearned for her admiration for my work, her respect as a future colleague; not her coddling of my emotional breakdowns.
But my mind was too busy oscillating between dullness and overstimulation to stop myself from vaguely catastrophizing my marriage in front of her.
Sometimes it helped to think the worst. To wallow in the negative. That way, reality couldn’t possibly screw me over.
Some witch I was, I couldn’t manifest shit.
“Do you want to talk about the job?”
“I’m withdrawing my application, Jeanette. I’m sorry for wasting your time. I know I gave you my C.V., and maybe it’s silly for me not to keep my options open.”
“Mm hmm.”
“I like working for the state. The government pay is less, obviously, than desired, but I’ve found ways to slip around and avoid the bureaucracy when I need to. Actually, I love it there. I have a great team. I still have good relationships with so many of you here, and you give me lab access and extra hands when I need them, plus you know I’ll always take on students when I can. I don’t want to be so far from Nashville anymore.”
She smiled. “Dr. Carter told me as much.”
“Chris? He’s the one who’s been pushing me to apply.”
“Maybe he has some guilt himself.” Jeanette pushed herself back in the chair and crossed her arms.
I looked up sharply.
“Can I be frank with you?” She shot me a look that I couldn’t interpret.
“You always are.”
“He’s exactly who we need.”
“Really?” I was stunned. “But… that’s great.”
She tilted her head. “I’ve only hinted to him so far, but my hints haven’t gone over well. It might take some convincing on your part. I know how close you two are. He hasn’t publishednearly as much as you. No one has. But Chris has been prolific in his own way, dividing his teaching hours between here and the dental school. He can’t do everything I do, but the position doesn’t require getting your hands as dirty as mine.” She smiled.
“I just can’t seem to stay out of the woods. We’re the same, you and I. But moving forward, the program doesn’t need people like us. Carter’s confident with people in a way you and I aren’t.” She paused before continuing. “The program will be expanding in upcoming years. We’re bursting at the seams. Forensics needs…”
“Fundraising,” I said, the light dawning.
She nodded once. “Fundraising.”
“Oh, that’s so exciting. And that rules me out as a candidate, anyway. I’m so used to not having money, I can’t conceive of asking people to fork over theirs. Chris will be great. He’s got the right car and everything.”
No wonder he pushed me into this so hard. He wanted it, but he needed every reassurance he wasn’t taking the job away from me. “Does he know? What’s coming down the line?”
“No. I don’t think he would have put you up for it if he did. He knows how much you like field work.” She looked at my waist. “How much you hate wearing suits.”
Fair enough. My suit was fierce, but it was definitely not made for comfort. “I doubt it’s even occurred to him that he might be a better fit than you. He was… extremely hesitant to express any legitimate interest when I mentioned he should apply, though I could tell it was there. He clearly thinks this job is rightfully yours. Under normal circumstances, it would be.”
I nodded.
“It still can be. If you change your mind. Did you come here for me to try to persuade you? I didn’t disappoint you, did I?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m relieved. I came here to break the news to you gently. I stopped wanting tobe youyears ago. Now, I definitely don’t want to be you.”
“I thought as much. You know you’re always welcome here. No matter who the director is. Though, if it’s Carter, he’ll probably build you a goddamn lab of your own.”
