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“I’m going tomorrow. I’ll miss the storm.”
“You’re driving east into the mountains. You won’t miss it.”
“Does Gus know? That you’re giving it up for him?”
I looked at the police and the techs milling around the tree line in front of us. “I didn’t—”
“You didn’t tell him.” That was what he’d been waiting to hear.
“No. It would ruin it.”
“Ruin what, Dec? That thing the two of you have been hiding?”
“It’s nothing. None of your business.”
“Then why did it look like he’d been living in the guest room?” he pressed.
I was silent as I looked down at my boots.
“I wasn’t going to mention it, but—”
“Chris, just because you’re still hung up on me—”
“I’m not. Look, this is not coming from desire or jealousy, or any place of bad intent. Whatever we once were is over and I’m over it. But you’re still one of my best friends, and I’ll never be overthat.“ His face was open and honest, imploring me to make him understand. “I can’t let my best friend make a mistake that will risk her career—which has always been the most important aspect of her life—over miscommunication.” He sighed. “I don’t understand, Decca. Just talk to me.”
I took a deep breath. “He had to be married before ordination, or he’d have to remain single. A monk. I didn’t want that for him. So I proposed, and he accepted.” I got it all out quickly before looking up at Chris, silently pleading with him to take me at my word and be happy for me. Not make me feel ridiculous. Then I added the part that was actually true. “Because I had a crush on him. And I was pretty sure he had feelings for me.”
“Oh, Dec.” He sighed. “I like Gus. And I know he cares about you. I’d be blind not to see it. But… No. I’m going to ask you this, and regardless of your answer, I’ll always support you. Does he deserve you?”
Deserve me? Does anyonedeserveanyone? No. Yes.“Yes. He does. And even if he didn’t, it doesn’t matter. I married him. I chose this.”
He nodded solemnly. “You did. But he chose it, too. A good husband will put you first. You need to tell him about this opportunity.Give him the chance to put you first. Otherwise, you might end up resenting him for a choice you robbed him of.”
“I’mputting me first. Wants and needs change over the years. Sure, I wanted a swanky, showoff position when I was in my twenties. That doesn’t mean I have to still want it now. My friends are in Nashville. My life. I’m rebuilding a family there, and I’m tired of losing people. Wanting a smaller life is not a lesser choice.”
“Okay.” He sighed and smiled. I waited for more words. It wasn’t like him to let an argument drop.
“Okay? That’s it?”
“You want me to keep pressing it? I respect your decision.” He smirked. “Even though it’s the wrong one.”
I shoved my mittens deeper into my coat pockets. I wished I could respect my own decision, instead of second-guessing Gus’s motives or mine at every turn.
Bitterness rose in my throat. I didn’t know what was wrong. Gus and I had been floating on waves of happiness. That wouldn’t last. Right now, sex was a novelty. He’d quickly tire of using my body as a playground. The same body coaxing out the same orgasms.
I’d let myself give in to the fun of it. It was what I’d been pushing for all along, wasn’t it? But where would we be after the newness wore off?
Maybe we hadn’t found the bones after all. Maybe we were built on cartilage.
“I’m not happy.” I said quietly.
Chris rolled his eyes.
"Iam. But it’s a happy. Like standing on a frozen lake while the ice is cracking under my feet." I stared off into the trees, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Admittedly, things were weird between us when you were there, but it’s not like that anymore. We share a bed now. All the time.”
I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what was about to come out. The truth. One I hadn’t been able to bring myself to admit before now.
“I love my husband, Chris. But he doesn’t love me. He loveswomen. And I’m the only one he’s allowed to have, so he makes do. I knew that when I proposed. I took advantage of him when he was at his most vulnerable. I don’t know how much longer I can ignore it.”
