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Marty knows everything about me. My past. My addiction. And Jeremy.
And still, he’s there for me.
He’s the kind of guy I need.
But there’s no magic between us, at least not in the way that I can see turning into a romantic and physical relationship.
I stare at the mirror, willing myself to reconsider or maybe even try to open myself up to someone like Marty. But my eyes don’t sparkle at that thought. They look bleak and hollow at the possibility of destroying something that I love. Because I do love him, but only as a friend.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I tell myself and go back out there.
“Hey.” He puts his phone down.
“Ready to get the bill?”
“Sure. Everything okay?”
“Yep. No problem.”
He tilts his head as if waiting for the truth, but I’m not going to tempt it.
Marty covers the bill — his treat tonight, and we leave.
He’s always walked me home, that’s what he’s like, but instead of being relaxed after a great evening celebrating, anxiety festers, and I’m waiting to escape into the safety of my house and forget about that funny moment at the table.
“Look, Anna.”
“Marty, thank you for tonight. It was exactly what I needed.” I smile and hope he catches on. The desperation simmers between us, but he doesn’t say anything else.
He stares at me, and I see he’s searching my eyes for a clue the moment he catches on. He takes a breath, letting it out in an exaggerated sigh. “I’ll see you Monday?” His voice is deflated, and my heart thuds and conjures up a hefty dose of guilt for cutting anything off before it even started.
“Monday. Bright and early.”
Once I shut the door, I let out my own sigh.
Maybe we can forget this awkward end to the night ever happened. I hope so because Marty is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, and I’d be devastated if we couldn’t navigate this.
I don’t hear from Marty over the weekend. That in itself is unusual. We messaged most days. So, by Sunday, I’m paranoid that I’ve hurt him or offended him.
Anna
Lunch tomorrow?
I wait for his answer, but it doesn’t come right away, so I go for a run to keep myself occupied.
Running is my one and only addiction now, although it took a while to fully succumb to it. Now, I use it as a healthy form of therapy as it affords me time to think and forget all at once.
I tie my laces and head out the door.
After Jeremy left and I broke up with Reece, I closed myself off from everyone. My judgement was clearly off kilter if I couldn’t see Reece for who he truly was. I could almost forgive myself for Jeremy. He was my first, and I knew I’d always love him in a certain way.
I’ve accepted that and found embracing that fact rather than fighting it makes it a lot easier to deal with. It didn’t make it easier to forget him and move on, but I allowed myself to have feelings that would never be resolved.
He broke my heart more than once. We’ll always have history. They are the facts.
By the end of my run, there is still no message from Marty.
Anna
