AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Reece was nice. Kind. Easy.
But I didn’t love him.
I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to open my heart up to anyone else.
In my darker moments, that terrifies me. People talk about soul mates, fated love, and never getting over your first love. I used to think that might be true. Only now, even years later, I have to admit that a part of my heart still loves Jeremy.
Even after all this time. Even after everything.
Is it true that we only have one true love? That question bothers me, maybe because he was my first, but it seems more than that. Logically, I’d have an affection and fondness for the boy who stole my heart for the first time. But what I still feel for Jeremy seems unfinished — dormant.
Even all the hours of counselling and effort I put into learning and telling myself I wasn’t in love with him didn’t quite work.
Perhaps I’m only feeling like this because it’s the start of summer, and this time of year always makes me anxious. Time is a healer for so many things, but it can’t erase the memories that I still carry. Some of them are heavier than others, dragging my spirit down on occasion and twisting everything to grey.
After rehab, I had a few bumpy months, but I’ve been clean and sober for three years.
I’ve not seen Jeremy since that day at the cottage.
And I know I don’t want to go back to anything that would jeopardise the place I’m in now, even with its bad days.
I’ve worked hard. I’m content. I should be happy.
Although I’m happy, true happiness is a bigger step than I can make at the moment.
Reece returns with a couple of frozen pizzas and a cheap bottle of wine. I’ve not touched a drop since we’ve been together, and he knows I don’t drink. But he chooses to forget that on a semi-regular basis.
He doesn’t know the reason why — we’re certainly not at that point in our relationship that I’m comfortable sharing that I used to be an addict.
“Glass?” he offers, popping his head out of the kitchen at me.
I shake my head, and I watch as he remembers that I don’t drink. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll remember. I promise. I can get rid of it?” He pulls a funny grimace, and I know he doesn’t want to offer that solution.
“Why don’t you have your drink in the kitchen while dinner’s cooking.”
“Great. Juice?”
“Thank you.”
We eat with the TV on in the background and then put crime drama on for the rest of the evening. He stays maybe a couple of times a week, and it’s the same routine most weeks. We’ve only been together for six months, but we’ve already hit the ‘too comfortable’ phase, in my opinion. I just don’t know how to tell him. I’m not even sure there was anything exciting between us at the beginning.
He certainly hasn’t made my heart stutter with anticipation or exhilaration.
But he’s nice. And kind. And it’s easy.
With summer on the horizon, I make sure I’m busy to keep my mind and body occupied.
One of the saddest parts of my past is that I can’t face staying in the same place in Cornwall with my mum anymore. For both of us, the last time ruined everything that was special about it and destroyed the salvation and refuge it once offered to Mum.
The guilt that it was my actions to do that is crippling when I dwell on it and only makes me want to sink back into oblivion.
Luckily, Mum has been the rock I’ve needed and seems to take everything in her stride. When we talked about not going back, she agreed because it was also painful for her. However, she didn’t want to stop the tradition of going away, so she researched and booked another cottage. It’s on the other coast, so there’s no temptation to visit old haunts, although we make a point of visiting Molly’s Diner. Some things will always hold good memories. But it’s a new chapter for us. And we’re leaving in a week.
The relationship we have now is the most important one in my life, and I never want to put her in the positions I did again.
Our trip comes just as I need it. The weather is beautiful, with vibrant blue skies every day. We explore the walking paths and find some hidden coves that could easily be on the continent rather than here in England.
Mum signed up to a new gallery that was excited to take her pieces, so it was prosperous as well as relaxing.
