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So, I did what I knew needed to be done but was dreading.
As soon as I see him, my heart cracks. It bleeds out all the horrible, cruel, and hurtful things I’ve played over in my mind these last few days and pulls me back towards him.
Shadows shade under his eyes, which look dull and bland. The colour I fell in love with is gone, like it has drained away. I want to cry and seek comfort in his arms like I used to. It is the one desire I have more than anything in the world — more than running out of here to find my next fix.
His smile is weak, but I know he wants to see me as much as I need to see him.
Mum wouldn’t agree to this so soon. She said I still needed to heal, but she didn’t understand that I had to do this to help myself. So, I texted him a place to meet, a random coffee shop, nowhere that either of us has a history with.
I join him at the table where he’s already ordered a couple of coffees, and he grabs for my hands across the table.
“Anna, I’ve been going out of my mind. What’s happened?”
The words stick in my throat, reluctant to come out.
“Do you remember the party? Tony’s?”
His eyes draw together in confusion. “Yeah. Well, most of it.”
I nod and push back the tears. “Do you remember the girl? With the junk?”
“Yeah. We were all down for that.”
“No. I wasn’t. You were already pretty high, and you would have done anything. I said no, but they gave me some shit anyway.”
“Okay. What does this have to do with us?”
He says it as if there’s no problem with the rest of what I just told him. I shake my head and pull my hands back. “Don’t you see how bad things are? You’re shooting up smack and don’t think it’s a big deal. We’re out of control.”
“We’re having fun like we said. This is our year to let loose, and then we go back to reality. Come on, Anna. I thought we were in this together.”
“We were. Until you let that girl screw you in front of me.”
My words hit him like I just smacked him in the face, and he sits back in his chair with a jolt.
“No. I’d never do that. Is this what you think happened?” I can see him trying to piece things together, but he still doesn’t understand.
“You did. I don’t think you were with it. You looked at me but let her do whatever she wanted. You were so high you didn’t even know who you were fucking.” My voice cracks, but inside, the rush of my anger grows and threatens to overtake the sadness.
I watch as the pain hits him, and it cripples me all over again.
“No. No. I love you, Anna.” He shakes his head, denial stamped on his face. “You’re my world. I’d never do something like that.”
“You did. I was lying on the floor, high, on a pretty nasty trip. I don’t know what I took, but it wasn’t coke. Or at least it wasn’t just coke. I couldn’t move. And the bitch knew it. She did it right there.” My jaw clenches as I relive my worst memory. “And you looked at me and didn’t recognise what was happening.” I swallow my emotion, but not before a tear falls to my cheek. I don’t brush it away this time.
This is self-preservation. How can we go on when this is what we’ve come to? I hold onto that sentiment as if it’s a life raft in a storm.
He stares at me, and I can see he doesn’t know what is happening to him. He looks lost, his eyes wide and glassy with tears I know he tries to hide from me. His hands reach for mine again, and he squeezes them so tightly, like he’s trying to hold on to me.
A part of me knows that it’s not fair to blame him for this. She took advantage of him, but isn’t this a wake-up call? Both of us are out of control, unable to remember periods of time or what we’re doing. We’d been on this path before that night. I just couldn’t see it.
It doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m the bad guy, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. It’s like his dad all over again.
“You hurt me, Jeremy. Even if you didn’t mean to, and in a way, that’s even worse. This isn’t good anymore. Can’t you see that?”
“No. Of course, I don’t. You dump all of this on me after bailing on me, and you expect me just to accept everything you say.” He shakes his head again.
“Maybe it’s best we take some time and try and sort ourselves out.” It’s the right decision. I know there’s always going to be a temptation if Jeremy doesn’t want to straighten himself out, too.
