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“I know what’s on your mind, darling.”
No. She can’t. She’d be crushed if she knew I had seen him and let him in again after all these years.
“Really?”
“He came to see me. Introduced me to Sophie.”
The words hit me in my chest and send me into a little panic. “Bastard. He had no right.” I shake my head, trying to figure out what I say to that. Why did he do that?
“I was furious, of course. But after he left, I considered why he did it. He was putting everything on the line. His final hand, of sorts. It was a smart move, and I can respect that.”
“Well, it didn’t work, did it? I didn’t even tell you about him.”
“I know. It’s a bit of a habit of yours, but I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon. You were always blind when it came to that boy. You saw the world through tunnel vision.”
Mum and I haven’t spoken about Jeremy for a long time. And even when we did, it wasn’t like this. It was always after he’d broken part of my heart. Hearing Mum say anything even close to praise in the same sentence as his name was unheard of, and I’m suddenly desperate to know what they talked about.
“Was it the wrong call to come here? You seem lost in your own head, and I know it’s because of him. Are you thinking of being with him?” she asks me straight.
“He wanted that. For so long, I wanted that.” I pick up my fork and cut at the toasted goodness, buying time to articulate what I’m feeling. But the words don’t come. They’re knotted and twisted, and no matter how I look at it, someone will get hurt.
“I’m glad he’s gone, and I’m proud you were strong enough to walk away. It’s the right decision, lovely. I’ve always known that.” She gives me a pointed glare before dipping her fork into the whipped cream and sampling it.
There’s no point saying anything more. She’s told me what she thinks, even if I’ve not told her my thoughts.
We leave Molly’s and take the opportunity to drop the supplies with Sylvia at The Silver Tree before heading off and making the rest of the journey down to the south coast.
But my heart isn’t with me. It’s back in Tregethworth with all the memories that come with that place.
Mum’s words from the diner plague me. I can’t shift them. Even the distraction of settling into the little slate-roofed cottage and unpacking the essentials to make a cuppa doesn’t work.
She’s proud of me. Her praise warms a part of me, lighting up that space inside me that still feels too full of guilt to carry anything kind.
But there’s a war raging over the crumbled ruins of my heart — over the scars of each goodbye or disappointment that he caused. My head defends me, lining up years of defence, but the part of my heart that still burns for him is winning, whispering possibilities and memories that seem so far away; they’re like a dream.
But Mum’s words are still there. She’s proud I walked away. I wish she could be proud of me for everything I’ve made for myself since the day I came back home, out of my head. I don’t want her to be proud of me because of something I haven’t done.
We spend the first couple of days at the local beach. I make sure to have a run before we make our way down to the little bay. The sun is hazy, but it’s warm enough to lie out and pretend there’s nothing else in the world to think about. It’s what I came here for — to relax and soak up the vitamin D.
But questions keep stirring in my mind, and I can’t push them away. I’m lost. Stuck. And I’ve exhausted the hiding places in my mind to avoid what is plaguing me in the shadows. The only way to fix it is to do something I know will break the only good part of my life.
The following day, I drop Mum off in a little village, then drive back to the other coast and down the familiar roads to the Cove to try to put my questions to rest.
Jeremy said he was selling the house back home, but I need to see if he had put this one on the market, too. Well, that’s the first question to answer, anyway.
I park just off the driveway and look up at the house that once mesmerised me. It was the best thing I’d ever seen, and looking up at it now doesn’t fill me with dread. There’s no for sale sign out the front, but perhaps a property like this isn’t sold in the same way?
My heart rate climbs the longer I wait outside, like a ticking clock getting louder and louder. I want to see if he’s here. That’s at the heart of all of this. And I’ve questioned every single decision I’ve made since he stopped me on my run.
I knock on the door, and a flash of the last time I did this spikes my blood with desire.
Not this time. I’m here to talk. That’s it. I take a deep breath.
Poppy, the nanny from the park opens the door.
“Hello, can I help you?”
“Um, is Jeremy here?”
