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I make it through the week, keeping the secret of Jeremy and who was with him to myself and adjusting to the shadows of my feelings waking up in my chest. The hurt I initially felt has subsided, but a dull ache won’t shift, like a splinter wedged into my skin that I can’t reach, reminding me every minute that it’s there.
It would be so easy if I could embrace the same hate that my mother has for Jeremy.
I’ve been to two AA meetings and run more miles than usual to keep myself busy. That tactic has always worked, and now is no different. And, as the days pass, I relax.
The route I take on my weekend run shifts to be on the safe side. I avoid the park area with families and kids and venture further out along the cycle track so that if, and it’s a big if, he’s still around, I’m not forced to swallow his new life.
The clouds have bubbled up in the sky, but that doesn’t bother me anymore, and I keep going. There’s plenty of space, plenty of places to run, and I ease into my pace.
Until I see a man along the path just past the cafe that’s positioned in a clearing.
It’s all happening again. Just like last time.
As I get closer, I see he’s on his own. It’s like he’s waiting to ambush me.
“You have no right,” I shout at him as I approach, needing to get the first volley in. “This is my home, while you choose to come and go when you please.” Adrenalin still pumps in my veins, pushing me to attack.
“I’m not back for long. I promise.”
“But you’re here. You couldn’t have just stayed out of my way?” I accuse.
He just smiles, a deadly smile on his lips. “Despite what you might think, I’m not here to cause you any trouble. There’s no reason for you to believe me, but it’s the truth.”
“The truth?” I scoff. “Something you play fast and loose with.”
“Maybe. But not about this.”
“Then why? Why, after years, again, are you suddenly back?” I cross my arms and wait for an explanation.
“I’m selling the house, Anna. I’m back, but only to settle a few affairs. I couldn’t help but tempt fate and see you, but I’ll be out of your life for good if that’s what you’d like.” He sounds sad, resigned even, and it quells the rage that had fired up inside of me.
“You’re selling? But what about your mum?” I ask.
“She’s…” He takes a moment and looks away, and I wonder if something terrible has happened. “Moving to a facility,” he finishes. “She needs care, and I can’t provide that. There’s nothing tying us here anymore. After the funeral, the house?—”
“I’m sorry, funeral? Who’s funeral?” I interrupt.
“My father’s. He died in a car crash with his wife a few weeks ago.”
His words bring everything crashing down around me. It’s all there. Everything that’s happened between us. Everything before and everything after what that man tried to do to me — what he did to his son.
We stare at each other, silent, as the weight of those words settles between us like water easing after a choppy tide.
Suddenly, everything is possible again, and the future that could have been is lifted from the grey shroud it’s been buried under. Never forgotten but beaten and worn by years of hurt and pain. I smile, just a fraction, like I’ve found a sense of peace at my core.
Jeremy feels it, too. I know he does because he has the same look on his face.
I want to say something, but I’m not sure where to start. Then we’re interrupted by a woman carrying a toddler who’s fighting and wriggling in her hold. “I’m sorry, she wanted to come and look for you.” The woman hands the little girl over to Jeremy, who picks her up and fusses over her. She immediately relaxes in his arms and puts her thumb in her mouth as she snuggles her head against his shoulder.
“It’s all right, Poppy.” Jeremy nods to the woman, but all his attention is on his little girl.
All I can do is stare and watch on in disbelief. A possible future handed back in one breath and stolen in another.
I was okay. I had made peace that there would be something between us, but nothing more. But that didn’t give me the strength to look on and watch him with someone new — especially with a child.
“I…” My eyes look between his and hers. She has his eyes. Those beautiful blues that remind me of the sea. “I can’t do this.”
Turning, I want to run, run, and never look back. Every time I think I’m over him, he comes back and breaks me all over again, and I’m worried there won’t be anything left of me soon.
