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She just stared at him. ‘Didn’t you hear yourself saying all those things you noticed about me? All those things you know about me that no one else ever has. You...you make me feel good, Atticus.’
He gave a bitter laugh. ‘That’s just the sex talking.’
Anger flickered in her eyes. ‘No, it’s not. I might be inexperienced but I know the difference between sexual obsession and love.’ Her gaze focused abruptly on him. ‘Do you?’
Of course he knew. Did she think he’d never felt love before? ‘I know what love is,’ he spat. ‘It’s the horror of finding out you killed the person who was most important to you in the whole world. It’s the hate in your father’s eyes whenever he looks at you. It’s having the people you care about slam doors in your face and cut you off without recourse and all because you made a mistake. One simple mistake.’ He was breathing very fast now, all his muscles tense, the pressure inside him building and building. ‘I don’t want anything to do with love ever again.’
There was a long moment of silence where he was conscious of his harsh, ragged breathing, as if he’d run a long race. Then Elena slid off the bed, leaving the sheet behind her and coming over to him. She was naked, her body all soft pink and cream curves. The look in her eyes was soft and that terrible understanding was back, as if she knew his pain. As if she’d experienced it herself.
She stopped in front of him, her expression full of a fierce tenderness. ‘I won’t do that to you, Atticus,’ she said. ‘I won’t ever do that to you.’
But he was shaking his head, his heartbeat loud in his ears. ‘You don’t know that. Aristeidis, I’m sure, thought he would never do that too, and then I killed Dorian and all that love he had for me was gone. It didn’t matter that I was his son, Elena. Love didn’t matter at all.’
Her eyes were very dark, tenderness burning in them like a flame. ‘I can see why you’d think that,’ she said. ‘Believe me, I can see. But don’t you think it can be different with us?’
‘No, I don’t. And why would I ever take that chance anyway?’ He wanted to touch her very badly, but he knew that would be a bad idea, so he kept his hands to himself. ‘I could hurt you, Elena. I could...hurt any children we have. And that...would destroy me.’
Her gaze turned liquid, tears glittering in her eyes, but she didn’t look away, her expression still fierce.
They made everything worse, those tears. They made that ground-glass feeling in his heart return, a burning agony that he could never outrun.
‘You won’t do that though,’ she said passionately. ‘You won’t. You’re the most caring, the most protective, the most gentle man I’ve ever known. You saved me all those years ago, Atticus. You brought me home to your father. You gave me a life I’d never thought I’d have. And you’d never hurt me, you’d never hurt our family either.’
He searched her beautiful face. ‘But aren’t I? Aren’t I hurting you right now?’
She didn’t look away, the vulnerability in her eyes so painful it made him catch his breath. She was always so strong and so determined, but he could see the need in her. For him. ‘Yes,’ she admitted.
‘It’ll pass,’ he ground out. ‘Give it time.’
But she shook her head. ‘I never wanted to need anyone. I never wanted to be vulnerable, not after the earthquake. Not after I lost my family. Then you came and you made me feel safe for the first time since my family died, and I thought... I thought I could trust you. But then you took me to Kalifos and you left me there, and I felt abandoned. So I decided that day that I wasn’t going to ever need you again.’
Her voice thickened even more, but the burning look in her eyes didn’t waver. ‘But I do, Atticus, I need you. I always have, right from that moment you saw me in the rubble. And I think I always will.’
He remembered that moment. When he’d left her with the housekeeper on Kalifos and there had been tears streaming down her face. ‘Don’t go,’ she’d whispered in the Greek she was already getting very good at. ‘Please don’t leave me here.’
But he’d had to and he couldn’t stay. That was when he’d had to harden his heart, to detach himself from his emotions.
He had to do that now, because he’d made a mistake, he could see that so clearly now. Yet another mistake. He’d let her mean something to him. He’d let her matter and now he was hurting her. He’d never wanted to hurt her.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and he meant it. ‘But this is something I can’t do. Love can’t be part of our marriage, Elena, and that’s final.’
For a moment, she stared at him. Then abruptly she took a step closer, all pink and golden nakedness, and she went on her toes and pressed a kiss to his mouth. But it was so brief, so achingly brief, and he knew it was a goodbye.
‘Then I’m sorry,’ she said, her gaze ferocious. ‘But I can’t do a marriage without love.’
And before he could say a word, she walked past him and out of the bedroom.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ELENA CALLED THE Kalathes staff and organised a helicopter to come to the island. Atticus didn’t follow her. After she’d arranged her transport, she went back to the bedroom to tell him she was leaving, but he wasn’t there.
Her heart felt as if it were shattering in her chest, but she ignored the pain as she went around the room, packing up her belongings, tears running down her cheeks.
She let them fall. It didn’t matter if she cried and it felt cathartic. Even her tears hadn’t been enough to make him stay, even baring her heart. He was right after all, love didn’t matter. Perhaps it never had.
Then again, why she thought it would, she had no idea. She should never have told him how she felt, but he’d demanded the truth from her and so she’d given it to him. Then when she’d said it and when he’d recoiled, she’d felt the oddest sense of calm wash over her.
He couldn’t do this—she knew he wouldn’t—and even her honesty, even her tears, even her anger and her passion weren’t enough. But the pain in her heart was sweet despite it all. The love she felt for him, a bright glow, a ball of sunshine that she knew would never dim. She could feel its strength, its peace. It wasn’t a weakness at all, and yes, there was pain, but the feeling itself was calm and strong and right as a heartbeat.
