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Her hand squeezed me again before she let go with a sigh.
The first time driving down our long dirt driveway after Dad had passed felt lonely. I could still see his tire marks frozen in the mud, his big red truck parked out in front of the house. It was as if nothing had changed. A part of me still expected him to saunter out the front door, coffee cup in hand, and give me a wave as I parked up next to him.
Soon enough the lawyer would arrive to do the official will reading. I already knew what the majority of it said—Dad had made sure I was aware well before any of this had happened, back when he was still himself before the cancer turned him into a crumbling shell. I’d get the house and the property, along with whatever money was leftover in his business. Everything he had would go to me.
Dana and I walked into the house in silence. To my surprise, the hospital bed was gone from the living room, along with the myriad of monitors, oxygen machines, and everything else that had been there helping him. I stared at the space, replaced with only his favorite recliner, in confusion.
“I had it removed while we were gone,” Dana said quietly.
Slowly, I turned to her. “Thank you,” I breathed. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, pulling her to me as tightly as I could manage. I didn’t know how to express my gratitude in words for her friendship and never-ending presence lately. The embrace was all I could do.
“I knew it was bothering you.”
I nodded into the crook of her neck.
“I do have plans for tonight but I can cancel if you need me,” she said, wiggling out of my arms as she plastered a smile on her face. I shook my head. She’d stayed with me for the past three nights, she deserved some time to herself. “It’s okay. Go.”
————
The one thing I hadn’t been expecting from the reading of the will was being handed a memory card.
I slid my laptop from under my bed and opened it, turning the memory card over in my hand nervously. Why would Dad leave this to me? Part of me wondered if he’d gone out of his way to handle some of the arrangements of his funeral, digitizing his photos and putting them all together in one, easy place for me.
My heart raced as I pushed it into the SD port. A little sound chimed from my laptop, and within a couple of seconds, the contents popped up on my screen.
Or, rather, content.
One single video. I could see his face in the thumbnail, gaunt and hollow. From the file’s information, it was taken the day after the wedding, lasting only one minute.
I knew I shouldn’t have clicked it. I knew it would only make me feel worse, only heighten the numbness that had taken over my body. But I just couldn’t help myself.
“Hiya, Lottie,” Dad coughed.
Fuck.
“If you’re watching this, then, well, we both know what happened.” Seeing his pajamas hanging so loosely on him almost felt foreign despite that being his normal for the last month or two. I’d stared at the photos around the house since he’d gone, trying to ingrain that healthy version of himself in my head instead. “There are a few things I want to say to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t work up the nerve before now. I just didn’t want to make this any harder.”
My throat closed in.
“I don’t want you to worry about anything. If you want to sell the house, angel, then sell it. If you want to take down my photos and replace them with your own family when the time comes, do it. I’m happy with whatever choices you make.” Another cough, another shaky breath. “If you’re okay with it, I’d love to be buried with your mother’s ashes in my casket, but I understand if you don’t want to part with her yet. I don’t want my passing to cause you any extra pain.”
I glanced across the room at the urn that held Mom. I’d carried it up with me after Dana left, wanting, at the very least, the idea of someone with me.
“Don’t worry about me, Lottie. I’m sure wherever I go after this life ends, I’ll be with your mother. And I’ll be watching over you.” His eyes watered, a single tear rolling down his wrinkled cheek. “I’m so happy that I’m able to leave knowing you’ve got Hunter to keep you safe. The peace I feel knowing you’ve found someone like I found your mother is unlike anything I could have hoped for. I know I didn’t approve at first, sweetie, but the way he looked at you last night—sorry, your wedding night—I could tell.”
My chest ached. But it was all a lie, Dad.
“I love you, Lottie-kins. I’m sorry I have to go. Take care of yourself and I’ll see you when it’s your time.”
I pushed the laptop away from me, the guilt sinking into my stomach, causing it to churn. I’d lied to him. I’d faked so many things—happiness, love, an entire wedding, and although it had given him a semblance of peace, it hadn’t been real. Did he know that, now, from wherever he was? Was he looking down at me and seeing a liar of a daughter, a girl who had scammed him and the rest of the world for her own gain?
I stood, feet bare on the ancient wood floor. If Dad really was out there somewhere, would I have to pretend for the rest of my life? Even in privacy, in my own head?
Before I knew it, I was out the back door, the freezing evening wind whipping my loose hair about my face. The cold didn’t faze me, even in my short-sleeved shirt and thin pajama pants. I could feel the grass between my toes, the icy mud coating my heels, but I kept walking. I just needed to get away. I needed space.
The walk through the woods was a blur. Rocks and branches cut into the bottoms of my feet, but the pain didn’t register. I was aware of the discomfort, but the numbness that had overwhelmed me the moment Dad died, only amplifying since, outweighed the agony.
I didn’t realize I’d fallen just steps from the meadow until another gust of wind brought me back to reality. Leaves and twigs stuck to my palms, and as I knelt there on the ground brushing my hands on my pants, little droplets of blood sprung up amongst the dirt.
