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When I got to Lennox’s dressing room, ready to walk him out to the stage, I found him pacing like a caged tiger. He was wringing his hands together, a soft sheen of perspiration covered his skin, and his pupils were dilated. If I hadn’t seen him already on the verge of a panic attack, I would have sworn he had taken something.
“Lennox?” I called out to him and closed the door behind me.
He looked up at me and swallowed. “I can’t do this,” he answered, shaking his head. “I can’t. What if she’s out there? I’m supposed to be okay with being looked at, it’s a concert for fuck’s sake, but I can’t stand the thought of her eyes on me.”
Stopping him from pacing, I put a firm hand on each of his upper arms and held him in place. “Lennox, look at me.” His gaze was thick with fear when his eyes met mine. “Your fears are valid, but don’t let them control you. Remember. Breathe.”
A slight nod answered me, and he looked at me while he mimicked my breathing. “That’s it, in through your nose, hold a second or two, out through your mouth. Again.”
His eyes closed, and he kept practising the deep breathing technique that I had coached him in a few times now. “Breathe in. Breathe out. You’ve got this.”
With a small smile he opened his eyes and nodded at me again. “Thank you,” he said in between deep breaths.
I smiled warmly and rubbed his arms in comfort. “It’s all good. Like I said, being scared is normal, helps to keep you safe, but panicking steals your sanity, and you don’t want that.”
His tongue darted over his dried lips before he nibbled on them nervously. “I’m sorry. I must seem bloody neurotic.”
I squeezed his arms again. “Not. At. All. You are in a hard situation, and you’re holding up better than most people do. I would be more worried about you if you were taking it all in your stride. Never be ashamed of fear, Lennox, it’s a natural thing. It’s an internal warning system of danger that allows your body to be alert when it’s needed.”
He let out a sigh and sagged a little in my grip. “I just feel so stupid. Did I encourage this? Was it something I did? What if she’s angry with me for not–I dunno–wanting her? It’s so unnerving.”
A grim smile formed on my face. I knew those feelings only too well. I’d had them when someone had died under my command for the first time. Was it something I’d done? Was it something I could have prevented? But I also understood emotions like that were born out of searching for reasons, because reasons can be justified, or argued away. It was all just a natural part of trying to make sense of the situation you were presented with.
“Lennox, you are a phoenix. You rose from the ashes of the last life that got burnt to the ground with alcohol and everything that the label did. You will rise from this as well. I refuse to accept that you’ll let one silly person steal that from you. You have forged something new and good out of your life. You know she’s not worth this. Don’t let her steal your joy and your happiness. I will protect you from her. She’s not going to win.”
The tension in his muscles that I had been feeling against my hands seemed to drift away the second I stopped talking. Not thinking about it, I pulled him against me for a hug. “You’ve got this.” I smiled over his shoulder.
His arms reached around me in reply, and I drank in the warmth of his body against mine. It really did feel good to have Lennox in my arms, especially when he leaned his body fully in against mine. A knock on the door pulled us out of our hug.
“Ready, Lennox?” came Levi’s voice from the other side of the door.
“On our way,” I called back to him. “Ready?” I asked Lennox in a softer tone.
He straightened, took a deep breath and nodded to me. “Thank you for this.”
I smiled warmly at him. “All good. Let’s get you on stage.”
CHAPTER 8
LENNOX
I didn’t know if I was relieved or disappointed that Levi had knocked on the door and interrupted us. There was something about my bodyguard that was incredibly easy to confide in. The only issue with that was if I wasn’t careful, I would start to see him as something more than just my bodyguard. Especially now I knew how nice it was to have his arms around me. How safe and comforting it felt.
I didn’t know how long it would be before my stalker was found and dealt with, so I knew hoping for any long-term thing to happen with him probably wasn’t the best idea. I had been celibate for the entire time that I was sober. I wasn’t even really sure if I wanted to risk my sobriety for a relationship. What would happen if or when we broke up? Besides, with his job and mine, how would that even work?
Christ, why was I thinking about this? These were not the kind of thoughts I needed to be having about anyone at the minute, let alone my paid babysitter in what was probably a dangerous situation.
No, I needed to be sensible. Getting involved with someone at this point wasn’t going to be helpful for my life, my career or my sobriety. Something in me was saddened by that thought; my heart sank a little.
What the hell was wrong with me? I grabbed my guitar, nodded that I was ready to Tom, and let him escort me out to the stage. For the next couple of hours, it was just going to be me and the music. Sod the rest of it for now.
Coming off the stage in Forum Birmingham made it seem like the world was alive again. Colours were more vivid, sounds were richer, smells more distinct, and tastes more flavoursome. This was what I was born to do. Every other thought in my head disappeared. I got lost in the music I was playing and the atmosphere feeding back from the crowd.
Tom nodded as I walked off the stage, ready to move before there was a crowd to contend with at the stage door. “Nice work. See, I told you everything would work out.” He smiled and nodded his head. Warmth flooded through my body. If I hadn’t learned how to control my blushing back in my boy band days, I would have flushed red with the feelings that Tom’s compliment was filling me with. The man made my heart flutter and my mind race with all the possibilities and what ifs.
“Time to go?” I asked, changing the subject to distract myself.
He nodded again, and walked alongside me, his eyes constantly scanning our surroundings. The stage door was thrown wide, and as predicted, the timing was perfect. There were very few people standing around outside. I put all thoughts of Natasha being somewhere around us out of my head and bundled myself into the back of the waiting car. Tom sat in the front passenger side and his driver, Levi, sped off.
