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I held him like I couldn’t get close enough, his kisses sending me into a frenzy as we swallowed each other’s moans like the air we needed to breathe. I ground up into him as he pressed into me in turn, our bodies shuddering with need. My brain completely shut down, my hands moving on their own accord. One hand pulled him closer as another slid down to caress the length of him through his pants. His breathy moan spurred me on, and I tried to release his belt buckle, but struggled, forcing us to break the kiss so I could look down. The spell was broken momentarily as I realized, with surprise, how far I had been willing to go, out here in the park where we could be caught. Lukas rested his forehead against mine and breathed heavily.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I told him.
“Me either,” he chuckled huskily. “Here, let’s sit and cool down for a minute,” he said, leading me over to sit on a low-hanging branch.
“I, uh… I wasn’t expecting that.” He smirked at me, reaching over to take my hand.
It felt foreign to hold his hand the first time, but also right. I don’t think I had ever held anyone’s hand before, never kissed anyone… He was my first everything.
“It was unexpected, but in a good way…” I trailed off, more asking a question than making a statement.
“A very good way,” he said, pulling me in for another kiss, lighter and shorter this time. We remained like that, perched on the branch with our foreheads pressed together, brushing light kisses and touches over each other. It was magical to just breathe the same air this way. I felt truly alive and content for maybe the first time.
“Do you want to go back to my house?” Blanching, he quickly followed with, “we don’t have to do anything, just talk.”
“Yeah, I’d like that.” I was nervous about what could come next, but mostly I felt whole knowing he felt the same way I did. I’d wrestled with my feelings for two years, afraid of my attraction to him, knowing my parents would never approve. Being close to him made me feel brave, and I couldn’t bring myself to care about what they would think.
Once we exited the little copse of trees, however, it was like a bubble popped.
Suddenly I felt the weight of this choice I had made, the weight of the world of opinions around me, the weight of my parent’s expectations. I straightened my spine and rushed out ahead of Lukas, not wanting to give anyone a reason to guess what had happened.
I hit the main trail well ahead of Lukas and noticed everyone was gone. The whole park had cleared, most of the luminaries lining the main trails had long gone out. What had felt like moments - monumental moments to be sure - had been hours. We weren’t in any danger of being found out, and I relaxed knowing my secret was safe.
When Lukas came up behind me, I suddenly felt guilty for my actions, but I also knew I wasn’t ready to “come out”. I wanted to explore this more than anything, but I couldn’t bring myselfto shout it to the world yet.
“I’m sorry, I just…. I’m not ready,” I explained sheepishly. Lukas nodded, understanding the weight that I carried. He knew my parents and their expectations of me, and he could probably guess as well as I could how they would react to any chance I might be gay. Even thinking about how they’d react made my stomach drop.
“It’s okay. This is new and I think it’s fair we get comfortable with each other before we try and take things public.”
His understanding both shamed me more and gave me an enormous sigh of relief.
“Did your parents know?” It hurt to bring up the pain of his parents’ death only months before, but I also knew he wanted to talk about them.
The Andersons had always welcomed me into their home with open arms, inviting me to dinners and family events. They’d even invited me on a family vacation to celebrate Lukas’ graduation, a trip that sadly never happened.
“They always treated me like family.” I’d envied his relationship with his parents, craving the unconditional love and support they gave him. It was a heart-wrenching realization that I’d had it after all.
“Yeah, they knew. They knew from the beginning how I felt about you.” He smiled, but his eyes were blurry with unshed tears. “They really loved you, you know.”
I knew he meant it, and I found myself daydreaming about what it would have been like to go home to them, to be able to show them we’d finally found our way.
“They supported me while I tried to figure out how to tell you, or tried to figure out if you felt the same way.” Lukas chuckled, one tear escaping down his chin. “Mom got a kick out of encouraging me to shamelessly flirt with you just to gauge your reactions. I wish they were here so I could tell them that it finally happened.”
“You finally broke me, huh?”
“I haven’t broken you yet,” he said under his breath.
“Ha!” Wait.
Fuck.
My brain stalled out as his words, and their meaning, shot right through me. All the blood in my body immediately abandoned my brain and limbs, rushing to either my face or my dick. I forgot how to breathe, struggled to swallow as the saliva in my mouth suddenly dried up.
I wasn’t ready for sexy, confident Lukas. By the time I was done processing, he had walked off, leaving me with my mouth open in shock.
Reminiscing, I sit down on that same low-hanging branch, in the clearing that housed the memory of one moment that changed everything. This was where it all started - the most important relationship of my life.
As all of the memories I’ve been pushing down rush through me, I hold my head in my hands and force the tears back. Buck up, Micah.
