AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“He made you box him?” My mind is stuck on this detail, a mixture of rage and fear rushing through my veins, finally looking up to meet his eye. He looks away from me, but I don’t miss the contortion of his features or the pain in his expression.
“So what you’re saying is you stood there in your basement and let him hit you repeatedly - when we both know you could have taken him down in one hit.”
Micah is a fierce fighter, but his father’s anger has always been violent. He never was able to stand up to him, instead taking blow after blow. I had always assumed the blows were just mental and emotional, which was bad enough, but to know it got physical makes me sick.
“I could take the hits, but I couldn’t take his disappointment. It felt like our entire family’s future was on my shoulders. Apparently, the incident at work was likely to bring a huge malpractice suit. There was a chance we’d lose everything. They made me feel that my success was what would hold everything together.”
“You aren’t responsible for the mistakes your parents make, nor are you responsible for their well-being. Aside from the fact that your sexuality,” –I try to ignore his flinch– “has nothing to do with anything, there is no God or devil or person alive that can tell me what we had wasn’t anything other than beautiful.”
I don’t want to chase him away, but I feel like this is my opportunity to say my piece, so I’m taking it, for better or for worse.
“I loved you, and I still do, despite the fact that you left me and moved on without a word. If you had come to me, we could have worked this out together. I know you felt alone and like you didn’t have choices, but I was here. I’ve always been here.”
“You were my weakness,” he almost whispers. “I knew that if I saw you again or heard your voice, I wouldn’t be strong enough to do what I felt like I needed to do.”
“I… understand, or I’m trying to, even if I vehemently disagree with… well, all of that. But look, I’m not trying to force you back into a relationship with me or anything like that. I get it, and I’m not going to chase someone who doesn’t want me back. I might have, for a minute there… but it’s been two years. I accept where we’re at now.”
He looks like he wants to say something but closes his mouth and looks out the window. Tiny raindrops sprinkle the windshield. The drops grow fatter, falling faster as the silence expands.
“I’m here for you.” I have to grip the steering wheel to avoid reaching for his hand. “If you need me, I’m here. As a friend. You shouldn’t have to deal with their pressure on your own. You’ll combust.”
He nods quietly and gets out of the car, closing the door behind him without another glance. Flipping his hood up and tucking his hands into his pockets, he walks off into the rain.
Part of me is relieved we were finally able to get it all out in the open, but most of me still hurts. I’ll always be here for him, whatever he needs, but… I don’t want to be his friend.
Every part of me, mind and body, wants to be wrapped around him so tightly he’d never so much as consider leaving again. I want to own him, possess him, occupy his very soul and keep him tied to me for the rest of our lives and beyond.
Instead, I let him go.
Micah
I leave the car and walk away before I do something foolish, too overwhelmed with feelings and memories that I’m not ready to manage. His words of support and anger on my behalf feel simultaneously heavy and… freeing.
The rain gets heavier as I walk around the block and onto my street. Instead of heading directly inside, I stand on the edge of my parents’ property and give myself a moment to breathe. Pulling off my hood, I look up and allow the rain to wash away the tears that have fallen. I think about the situation I am in – with the mystery girl, my parents, Lukas… And I think, for the first time, about what I truly want.
Not what I should do. Not what my parents would want, or what Lukas would want. Not about what anyone else considers right or wrong. I consider my own feelings, what Iwant.
My gut tells me I’m in the right place with the girl. I don’t just feel like helping her is the right thing to do. I want to do it. I want to learn more about her and figure out what this connection is. And if I’m being honest with myself, if I take away all the outside noise of expectations and backlash, I want Lukas too. I don’t know if it’s the same, but why should it be different? It’s not even about sex. While I absolutely find the girl appealing, I’m not trying to think of her that way. And if I take the sex factor away from my relationship with Lukas, I still want him too.
He doesn’t want me that way anymore anyway. The thought twists my insides painfully. I wouldn’t want a relationship with me either, after the way I treated him. If only he knew how much I pined for him, thinking about him, dreaming about him, fantasizing about him every single day that we’ve been apart…. Hell, I started seeing things, almost following a perfect stranger on campus once because I thought I saw him in a crowd.
None of that matters now, considering what I did, and I know I’m lucky he even bothers to talk to me. It’d be nice to have my best friend back. Talking to him about things was freeing. It’s like a weight has lifted off my shoulders, and I can see things in a different light.
I roll my shoulders and steel myself to walk back into my parents’ house. At least it’ll be a few days or possibly weeks before I’ll be back here, depending on her healing time and what she decides to do next. I’m not sure what I’m going to tell my parents to get them off my back since I can’t exactly tell them the truth.
Entering through the garage door, I remove my sopping wet shoes and socks in the utility room before creeping silently up the stairs. I reach my room and pull out a bag to start packing, but the sound of the drawers must have alerted my mother I’m home.
“Where have you been?” She asks, walking right into my room and scolding me as if I’m back in high school and missed curfew.
“I’ve been at the hospital.” I tell her honestly, after all she did see me there yesterday.
“This whole time? And what are you packing for, where do you think you’re going?” I know she’s only digging because Lukas was there. It sets me on edge.
“Bennet Adley has a project he’s working on, and he’s invited me to be part of it. I’m temporarily moving into a room on some property he’s renting to be part of some research.” It’s a pretty far stretch, but it’s as truthful as I can be in this situation.
“What kind of project? I saw that boy there, is this… Is Bennet Adley-” she studders.
She can’t even say the word.
