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The prior Di Salvo boss, Giovanni’s father, had been brutal. The man had deserved to die. But he hadn’t been the same kind of monster as Ivankov.
“I told Alina I’ll stay.” Luka swallowed after he said the words. They held a hint of pleading. He wanted to stay.
Giovanni’s blue eyes seemed to burn. “Why?”
Luka wasn’t expecting the question. His breath left him as the knot snarled. He searched for what he could say. The words fell from his lips more easily than the night before. “I love her.”
“So what?” There was iciness in Giovanni’s voice. “She understands who you are, doesn’t she, Luka? Do you think you have to change for her to love you?”
Luka’s fingers went cold. He still remembered her voice, begging him to stay. Filled with tears and her own fear. Alina had always been lonely.
She was no longer alone. She was on the Di Salvo estate. They would care for her, even if Luka was gone.
His hands clenched, trying to keep the cold from spreading. She would be fine without him. He wasn’t staying for her. He wanted to be around her, for as long as he could. One desire rose in his blood, though it wasn’t a need for her love. He already had that. What he wanted made him light-headed. “I want to live.”
Why did the thought make his legs shake? He stumbled to the nearest chair, sinking into it.
“I want to live,” he repeated, the words louder, not as difficult to hear.
Giovanni crouched in front of the chair. The smile he wore wasn’t blinding. It was small and genuine. “When you and I met? How hard I fought?” His eyes unfocused as the past rose between them. “Nera was my purpose. It doesn’t have to be a person. It’s more difficult when it is, actually.” His gaze met Luka’s again. “You and I have always been similar. Except I’ve had her.”
Luka remembered how it’d felt in the warehouse when Ivankov threatened Alina.
It hadn’t felt that way when his sister was the one at risk. His father had taught him to be a protector. He’d had a duty, no matter how much Willow despised him for it. Keeping her alive had become habit. When she’d died, not much had changed.
Now, though? Now he was terrified of something happening to Alina. There were no guarantees. His mother had believed in God, but she’d often said He did not promise a happy or peaceful life.
All Luka wanted was as many moments with Alina as he could capture. Moments when they were together, in whatever form that took.
If he returned to Ivankov, he’d limit the time they had left. He really did want to stay for as long as he could.
Maybe he didn’t have to be the one to slay the monster.
“It doesn’t have to be you,” Giovanni said, as if reading his mind.
His friend had always been able to do that. He’d also been trying to help him accept that message all along.
“I’ve been meeting with all La Cosa Nostra families. We’re in agreement about the Bratva.” He sighed, rising to his feet and crossing his arms. “Let me help.”
Luka stared down at his gloves. “Okay.”
Giovanni nodded in return.
But the knot in his stomach had grown larger. Luka wondered if that would always be the case. More time with Alina would continue to show him how much he had to lose.
Chapter 31
Alina had been feeling ants skitter over her skin all day. Maybe it was from her guilt. She’d had sex with Luka, but him not running away hadn’t been the same as him saying yes. He’d never consented. She would have to live with that, just as she would live with the memories of her own lack of consent before.
Afterward she’d begged him to stay with her. Always and forever, that’s what she wanted. He hadn’t promised her that. Luka didn’t like to make promises he may not be able to keep, but he’d agreed to stay.
He hadn’t smiled at her once since she woke up to find him dressed and crouched against the wall. His blank expression had returned. He’d stayed close all day, when she practiced shooting with Enzo and when she was in the kitchen. Giovanni had pulled him aside for a short time, but he’d made sure she was aware in his own way. After he’d come back, the skin had seemed tighter along his cheekbones.
Even painting hadn’t settled her. She’d finished the one of Luka and started a new one of Nera, but she couldn’t quite get the woman’s smile right.
When she gave up and climbed into bed, Luka joined her. He didn’t try to reach for her or instigate anything like they had shared the night before, but when he’d slowly drawn off both of his gloves, her heart had beaten harder.
His bare fingers wrapping around her wrist in their usual caress settled her nerves. She almost longed for the moment when the nightmare would wake her. Then she could kiss him. Her eyes traced his face in the dark as she told herself she didn’t need to do it out of panic. She could shift her face closer to his in that moment, and it wouldn’t be wrong.
