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After my experience with Summer, I finally understood what he meant. The memory of her and that night got me through my five years in lock down.
“Hulk,” a small voice says grabbing my attention.
I open my eyes, look down, and come face to face with the replica of myself. My son. From the day Albany told me that Summer was pregnant I have both craved and feared this day.
I’ve wanted to see what she and I created. The two broken souls that were lit aflame one night. What could we possibly create? Would he have her soulful eyes and charming smile. Would my evil rub off on him. Would the darkness that’s inside of me reside in him as well. I should’ve remembered the banana and condom lesson. I’m not worthy of that gift.
Yet, even though I know this, when I look down at his round face, all I see is perfection. He is the best of me.
“Hulk,” he says again, holding up a green action figure.
I squat down, getting to his level. My mother is screaming in my head to get away from him, to not ruin him. I take a deep breath fighting her words. I’d rather die than cause him any harm. I’ve never wanted to touch someone so bad in my life. The desire to wrap my arms around him and hug him to my chest burns my skin.
“You will ruin him. Your darkness will taint his pure soul,” Mother growls. I clench my fist.
“Hello, Gabriel.”
The young boy smiles at me. My heart knocks against my chest. I wonder how it still beats in my chest even though it’s standing before me. He looks so much like me. He has his mother’s complexion, only a few shades lighter, but his eyes, smile, nose, even the way he holds his head is all mine.
His caramel golden blonde spiral curls are in a thick afro. Some of the pieces fall into his eyes. I want to push the hair away from his face so that I can see him better, yet my hands remain at my side.
Gabe reaches out a small hand and touches an old scar on the side of my face. I try my best to remain as still as possible so that I don’t scare him away.
“Are you hurt?” He asks, looking up at me.
Shaking my head, I reply. “No, not anymore.”
He holds out his hand. Slowly, I place my large one in his, swallowing it almost entirely.
“You will hurt him. You are not made to be gentle.” Mother warns.
I quickly pull my hand out of his, in fear that I may somehow cause harm to him.
He looks up at me confused with his large hazel green eyes. “Play with me,” he demands grabbing my hand back.
I smile at his forwardness. “I wish I could. But not today.”
Disappointment fills his face. My stomach turns at the sight. His bottom lip drops and he rakes a hand over his curls pushing the hair out of his eyes. For only a second, he gives me a brief glimpse of his full face.
“Gabe?” His name is shouted across the playground.
From where I’m standing at the back of the park, I was close to the furthest end of the playground near the trash cans. I was able to see Summer, but without knowing where to look she couldn’t see me.
Looking down at Gabe, I once again get eye level with him. As much as I want him to stay right here with me, I know he can’t. It’s for the best. I tell myself.
“Go to your mother. She’s worried about you.”
He nods his head, before turning and walking away. Before he gets too far, he turns back and waves at me. I stand, and wave back.
I watch as Summer grabs him in her arms and hugs him tight. She squats down in front of him like I did and speaks to him. I’m too far away to hear what she says.
After a brief conversation, she then takes his hand, and they walk out of the park together. I don’t leave my spot. I keep my eyes on them, fighting the draw to follow them. Only the reminder of what I need to do keeps me in my place.
Summer places Gabe in the back seat of her car, fastening him into his car seat. She then comes over to the driver’s side. She opens the door but stops. Her head comes up and she scans her surroundings. I smile proudly at her instincts as I slip behind the nearest tree. Waiting a few seconds, I look back in her direction. She’s in the car now, backing out of the parking lot. I watch her back license plate grow smaller.
Even being this close to Summer has that odd feeling in my chest going haywire. She’s like a magnet, and I’m the metal being drawn to her. She’s better without me though. I would only mess things up for them.
A gray car pulls out of the parking lot going in the same direction that Summer went. I shake off the suspicious feeling I get watching the car. I have stuff to do. Turning away from the park, I make my way back to my apartment. I’ve spent enough time being distracted from my mission, it’s time I get back to work.
