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“No.” Reaching into the vanity drawer, I grabbed the mouthwash and swilled away the awful taste of sadness and shame. Spitting the minty mouthful into the sink, I cradled her close, brushed my nose against hers, and said the most honest, petrifying truth of my life, “I meant…I love you.”
I felt as heavy as the world.
As wrung out as a dirty towel.
But…lighter too. Sunshine spearing through the cracks in the black clouds, giving me just enough light to stay alive.
Her lips pressed together. Her body stiffened on my lap.
The old me would’ve closed himself off, backed up, pretended he hadn’t said such things because he couldn’t handle the thought of being so vulnerable. But…this was no longer about me. It’d never been about me.
It’s always been about her, and I was just too much of an idiot to see it.
“I love you, Ilyana Sharma, and I know you’ll never say it back. But I need to tell you anyway. I love you. Christ, I love you. Loving you is the worst pain I’ve ever felt but I’m grateful because…I deserve it. I deserve to be in agony for what I’ve done. Deserve to be in pieces for how much I’ve failed you.”
“Henri, I—”
“It’s fine. Don’t say anything. I’m…” I sagged and forced a wet chuckle. “I didn’t mean to break that badly. I’m sorry—”
“It’s okay—”
“I shouldn’t be sobbing all over you. I should be the one holding—”
“Why? So I can cry over what Victor did?” She rolled her eyes as if he meant nothing. “I accepted that it would happen, and I didn’t watch when it did.”
“Didn’t watch?” Fresh tears stung my eyes. What did that mean? Why wasn’t she a mess over this? Had she snapped like I had and refused to come back?
It’s true then…I-I broke her.
Here I was pouring my fucking heart out, and she wasn’t sane enough to understand me.
Gathering her closer, I rocked her on my lap. “Please, Ily. Don’t let him take you from me. Don’t let him win—”
“Win?”
“I know I didn’t stop him. I know I didn’t protect you, but please, I won’t survive if you leave me—”
“Leave, wh—?”
“It’s okay. I’m gonna fix this. I promise. I swear I’ll find a way and—”
“Henri—”
“Just come back to me and—”
“Henri!”
I froze, terror spiralling in my chest. I blinked as she cupped my cheeks, her fingers strong and sure. “Stop talking over me and listen.”
I swallowed hard, captivated and confused. The way her golden eyes blazed. The way her body sat so proud and defiant. She looked the opposite of broken. She looked…untouched.
I frowned. “How are you okay with this? How are you not in pieces?”
She shook her head, her damp hair sticking to bare shoulders, her towel gaping around her breasts. “I’m fine.”
“Fine?” I reclined against the cistern, the cold porcelain biting into my naked skin. “You shut down completely. You weren’t aware when I picked you up. Your eyes were vacant, your soul gone. You were a goddamn corpse.”
She gave me a soft smile. “I wasn’t gone. I just wasn’t watching.”
