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Gripping my necklace, the cracked blue stone hot in my hand, I look anxiously up at the sky. It’s a clear day, but there’s an ominous storm building in my heart that I fear will manifest at any moment. Logically, I know this birthday is different from all the ones before. I’m safe and surrounded by people who love me. I also have full access to my magic and know how to protect myself. The bastard is locked away and can’t get to me anymore. I repeat all of these truths in my mind, but I have a hard time getting the terrified girl inside me to believe it.
“Want to talk about it?” Kaleb asks, startling me out of my morose thoughts.
“Sorry,” I apologize, quickly releasing my necklace and forcing a smile onto my face. “You were talking about the nephilim retreat next week, and I got distracted.”
His expression is one of tender understanding, and he holds a hand out to me. “Want to go on a walk to clear your mind?”
I look around at the party that’s in full swing outside my house. It’s a celebration filled with music and laughter. Members of the pack mingle with members of the coven, all on their best behavior in front of the solitary human in attendance. The guys group together around the backyard seating area that’s surrounded in various bushes and flowers—a gift from Mei’s parents—and listen to Mei tell some fantastical story, if her hand gestures are to be trusted. Rand, ever watchful, stands beside her. Nolan’s parents run around, orchestrating every detail of the event, making sure my birthday is exactly how I wanted. Mildred chats with Kaleb’s parents near the tree line, giving Mr. Mischief pets when he comes by for them on his loop of patrolling the party. Everything is perfect, yet I can’t seem to alleviate this knot in my stomach nor silence the voice that whispers that it will all be taken from me.
Turning my attention back to Kaleb, I answer with a hesitant tone, “It’d be rude for me to leave.”
“We can just go inside,” he suggests, gesturing toward the house. “It’s okay to need to take a breath.” His deep voice drops to a whisper. “I know how hard today is for you.”
Kaleb read my father’s journal, which recounted all the torturous things he did to me over the years. I couldn’t bear to look at it, so he took it upon himself to see if there was any important information about spirit witches within the scrawled pages. Though part of me hates that he knows the gory details, another part is relieved that I don’t have to explain it.
Taking his hand, I nod and let him lead me inside through a side door off the garage. He heads straight for my bedroom, gripping my hand tightly as we walk upstairs. Most days, they don’t bother me anymore, but today, everything is flaring up. I wanted this party to replace bad memories, but I’m starting to think a quiet day would have been better.
Once we’re inside, he closes the door behind us and opens his arms. “It’s okay not to be okay today.”
It’s like a dam bursts in my chest, and I release an ugly sob. Collapsing into his waiting embrace, I cry, “It’s not fair.”
“I know, columba mea,” he murmurs, one hand in my hair while the other runs soothing lines down my spine.
“This is supposed to be a happy day.” My fists grip the back of his polo shirt. “He’s gone. Why can’t I be happy?”
“It takes time,” he reasons, his voice a gentle rumble against my ear. “This is your first birthday away from him. Today is bound to bring up some bad memories.”
My chest feels tight, like it’s difficult to breathe, as tears fall freely down my cheeks. “I just want it to stop. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
He releases a deep breath and tucks my head under his chin. “Unfortunately, we can’t control how we feel, only what we do when we feel it.”
A sad laugh breaks through my tears. “Sometimes I can’t even do that much.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” he chastises gently while his fingers knead the knots along the back of my neck. “Allow yourself to feel. If that means the whole party gets rained out, then so be it. It’s the Pacific Northwest, so no one would be surprised by a sudden summer storm.”
I sniff and attempt to wipe the tears from my face. “What if there’s lightning, and I scorch a bunch of trees again?”
“Then I guess Mei’s family will teach you how to grow them back,” he supplies, obnoxiously having an answer for everything.
Before I can come up with some other excuse to keep burying these ugly feelings, there’s a scuffling noise downstairs, followed by the clear sound of Nolan complaining, “For fuck’s sake, I’m sick, not an invalid. Just because I get tired easily, that doesn’t mean I’m completely incapable of walking.”
“Save your strength for something more interesting than stairs,” Donovan advises, followed by the thumps of several booted feet.
When there’s a knock on the door, Kaleb abruptly lets me go and steps back. My heart breaks a little that he’s grown distant in front of the others, but I’m comforted by the knowledge that when I need him most, he’s still there for me. I hope he’ll let me do the same for him one day.
Felix pokes his head in with his eyes closed. “If you guys need a moment, we can come back.”
Connor, less concerned about possibly walking in on an intimate moment, pushes the door open, causing Felix to topple over. Stepping over him, Connor takes two long strides and immediately cups my face between his big, warm hands. His eyes search my face with worried intensity. “I could feel your pain.”
“It’s okay,” I assure him, placing one of my hands over his. “Today is just harder than I thought it would be.”
Donovan also steps over Felix, who’s lying prone in the doorway, and places Nolan on the side of my bed. “We can tell everyone to fuck off and spend the day having you hit stuff instead—like a punching bag, not me. I like my spine the way it is.”
I sigh. I broke his spine one time by accident, and I’ll never hear the end of it.
“I’m fine, really,” Felix grumbles, getting to his knees. “You do realize I’m corporeal now, so falling down can actually hurt me.”
“Bruises build character,” Donovan taunts, crossing his arms over his chest. “Now you know not to stand between Connor and his mate.”
