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“He messed up some of your paintings.” She looked down and when she looked back up at me, there were tears in her eyes. “He ripped up some of the paintings of you, Ada. What’s wrong with him? Why is he being like this?”
“He did what?” Jud’s voice dropped into something dark.
“Okay, let’s all sit down and talk for a minute. Alright? Everyone pile on the bed. Be careful with Milo and the TV. He’s gone feral over Mark Cuban. Jud and I are going to buy some snacks and drinks from the machines out in the hallway.” I kissed each of them on the head and eased them towards the bed. “I’m serious about Milo and the TV. He’s gotten bitey.”
Jud let me push him into the hallway but he spun on me as soon as the door was shut. “I’m going to kick his ass. He had no right.”
“I know. I’m so sorry, Jud.” I pulled him farther down the hallway and then stopped to wrap my arms around his waist. “You have to take them back.”
He nodded and sighed. “I know. I will. They deserve an hour or two away from their dads, though. You can talk to them for a while and then I’ll drive them back to the house. I’ll pick up some of your things while I’m there.”
“No.”
He hesitated. “What do you mean?”
I stepped back and looked up at him. My heart was lodged somewhere painful and I wasn’t sure I could breath, but I knew what I needed to do. “You have to take them back and stay, Jud.”
“The fuck I do, Ada.”
“I’m serious. I already felt like shit for hurting your relationship with your brothers but this is too much. I can’t live with myself if I hurt them like this.” I saw him start to argue and knew his argument already. “I know. I know what they did to me was awful and I’m not okay with it. A part of me hates them for it. No matter what, if I hadn’t lied they wouldn’t have had anything to be assholes about. I started this. I can’t hurt your family more than I already have, Jud.”
“You’re not hurting it, Ada. They are. Nothing has changed. I’ll take the kids back and we can go back to-”
“I love you, Jud.” I wrapped my arms around his waist again and held him tight. “I love you and I need you to go back to your brothers.”
“No.”
“Jud, you have to. The kids need you. Milo needs his cousins. Your brothers need you. As much as they hate me now, if I took you from them, they’d rot in that hatred. You saw it as much as I did that there’s hope for them. They don’t have to exist as jerks obsessed with work. They can be good dads and good brothers. If you stay with me, that’s not going to happen, though. You know it as much as I do.” I breathed in his scent and let my tears leak into his shirt. “I don’t want to lose you. If I was the reason those kids suffered I’d never forgive myself, though.”
“You wouldn’t be the reason. They would. My brothers. Not you. You just need to slow down and think, Ada. What you’re asking me for? It’s fucked up. You’re asking me to sacrifice myself and my happiness with you for theirs. I love them but I’ve waited a long time for you, Ada, and I don’t want to walk away from that.” He held me tighter. “I can’t walk away from that.”
“Then don’t. Let me leave.” I felt him stiffen. “I can’t take you from your family.”
“You’d walk away from me?”
I had to take a few deep breaths before I could speak normally again. “Yes. Because I have to.”
He pulled away from me and shook his head. “Am I not enough on my own? Because from where I’m standing it feels a lot like I’m not enough for you. You’re enough for me, though, Ada. I’d walk away from them a million times over for you.”
“You’re enough for me. If I thought they’d be okay without you, I’d tell you to take the kids back home right now so we could run away together. I love you, Jud. I don’t say that lightly. I’ve spent a decade dreaming of you and comparing every man, every kiss, every touch to you. No one measures up to you.” I searched his face for a hint that he was understanding me. “If I’m being painfully honest, I think I loved them, too. Hurting them isn’t something I want to do. No matter how much I want to selfishly hang onto you, I can’t. They’re not going to be okay without you and the kids aren’t going to be okay if they’re not okay.”
“I’m going to get snacks and I’m going to give you a few hours to hang out with the kids.” He pressed his finger over my lips when I started to talk. “Then I’m going to load up Milo and the kids to take them back home.”
Tears filled my eyes and spilled over.
“If you leave while Milo and I are gone, Ada, there’s nothing I can do about that. As much as I love you and want to be with you, I can’t hold you captive.” He leaned down and covered my mouth with his. His kiss was gentle and sweet and over too fast. “I love you, Ada. I always will.”
58
***Jud***
IknewAdawouldn’tbe waiting for me in the hotel when I got back. I also knew I was going to need time to process that so I left Milo with Kendall and went back alone. Still, I held my breath and strained to hear her voice when I opened the door.
Nothing. Her things were missing and the room felt painfully empty. I sank into the edge of the bed and laid back on it. Staring up at the ceiling, I let the ache of losing her fill me up and spill over.
It took me a while to notice the note left on the bedside table. When I finally got up the courage to unfold the single sheet of paper, my lungs squeezed tight and my eyes watered as I read it.
Thank you, Jud. You’ve always been better than I deserve but all that I’ve ever wanted. If I’m lucky, I’ll find you again some day when things aren’t so dire. Next time, I promise not to make a mess of things. I didn’t tell you this but I spent the two years before prom hoping and praying you’d magically show up for prom and sweep me off my feet. I told everyone who asked me no because I wanted to be free for you. I couldn’t imagine the night that everyone said was supposed to be the best night of my life without you. This summer was more than any prom night could’ve ever hoped to be. You gave me the magic I’d been waiting on for so long. Thank you. I love you, Judson Carrington. I waited ten years to tell you that, which seems a little silly now that I’m saying goodbye. I should’ve told you sooner. I should’ve held you harder. You were enough for me. I would’ve happily run away with you if the wreckage left behind hadn’t been so severe. Go home to your brothers, Jud. They need you.
