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“Sorry, Jud…” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she slowly nodded off. It took another few seconds for her body to go limp against mine.
I held her until I felt her fever break and only then did I tuck her in and get up to check on Milo. He was still fast asleep with his fist tucked under his chin. I watched him for a minute and then I slipped out of the hotel room. I called Dr. Morgan first and asked him to come by first thing that morning. Then, I dialed Joe and tried to stay calm as I waited for him to pick up. I knew he wasn’t sleeping, not after the night we’d just had.
“Change your mind yet?” His answer told me everything I needed to know about his mood.
“You’re wrong, Joe.” I sighed. “Even if you weren’t, I love her. I’ve waited a decade to find her again and I’m not losing her.”
“You’ll regret it when she stabs you in the back.”
“You’ll regret it when you wake up and feel what I felt for the last decade. The same way I know I love her, I know you either love her or feel something really fucking close to it. I feel sorry for you. I know what you’re going to feel and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You and Collin deserve to feel it, though.” I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “She was burning up with a fever and you kicked her out. You tried to have the cops drag her out. I don’t know if I can forgive you for that.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. “Is she okay?”
“Fuck you, Joe.” I let out a bitter laugh. “Don’t ask me that. I just listened to her tell me she’s sorry about a hundred times while she was shaking with a fever. She talked about apologizing to you and Collin over and over again. She’s fucking delirious and can’t stop worrying about you two assholes. That’s the woman you think was some super spy for David Mayhew. That’s the woman you kicked out like a thief in the night.”
“You just don’t want to see the truth, Judson.”
“I always thought Mom leaving fucked me up the most but now I know better. You and Collin were older and clearly felt the rejection more than I ever did. Your inability to be loved by a woman without assuming she’s the worst shows that you’re still that teenage boy, clenching his fists and baring his teeth after his mommy walked out. Even if she forgives you, I don’t think I ever will.” I swallowed a lump of emotion and forced myself to get the rest of my thoughts out. “You and Collin need help. The way you were able to treat Ada tonight shows that much. I’m your brother and I love you but I’m ashamed of both of you.”
I hung up and clenched my phone in my fist. Taking deep breaths, I stayed outside for a while longer before letting myself back into the room. I checked on Milo once more and then kicked off my shoes before crawling into bed with Ada. As I pulled her closer she curled into my chest and whimpered in her sleep.
“Shhh, sweet girl. Everything’s going to be okay.”
56
***Ada***
TwodayspassedbeforeI was able to sit up and eat anything. Not that I felt like eating. Jud watched me so closely, though, that I ate just to keep him from fretting over me. Milo was as restless as I felt, throwing tantrum after tantrum when he couldn’t walk out to the lake or play with his favorite toys. The hotel room was too small for him to exist in all day long but Jud wouldn’t leave my side.
Dr. Morgan checked on me again on the third day. He said that I must’ve been so worn down from taking care of the kids that the virus just hit me harder. I didn’t argue that I believed having my heart crushed had made me sicker.
I couldn’t believe how Joe and Collin shouted at me and accused me of things far worse than what I actually did. They’d both looked at me with such hatred in their eyes that I saw their faces every time I tried to go to sleep. It was miserable. I also felt greedy for missing them when Jud was by my side. Then, there was the guilt. Jud was with me when he should’ve been with his brothers. I’d hurt their relationship.
I was so angry at myself for not coming clean to the guys sooner. If I’d just been honest I didn’t think they would’ve blown up the way they had. It was too late, though. Whatever chance there’d been for a relationship, it was over. Even if Collin and Joe didn’t hate me, I wasn’t sure I could get over they way they’d treated me. The memory of all those men waiting to take me away haunted my dreams.
Jud looked up from where he was playing with Milo on the floor and smiled. “Are you going to get that?”
I realized my phone was ringing and jumped to answer it. I’d turned it on for the first time since The Night, as I was calling it, and I wasn’t surprised to see Mom’s name on my screen. I took a deep breath and answered. “Hey, Mom.”
“Don’t you ‘hey, Mom’ me. Where are you? Where have you been? Your father and I have been trying to get in touch with you for days! We’ve been worried sick! I tried to call Jospeh but he didn’t answer.” Mom’s voice was strained and I could hear just how worried she’d been. “This stuff in the news, honey. The boys aren’t believing it, are they? I mean, it’s like these people want to hurt you.”
I turned away from Jud and squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to break down and cry to my mom but I didn’t want to worry her. “No, Mom. They don’t believe it. A bug went around the house here, though, so we’ve all been under the weather. I’m sorry I worried you. How are you and Dad?”
“So everything is fine there? You and the boys are still doing good?”
I swiped at an escaped tear and forced myself to laugh. “Yeah, Mom. We’re all doing good. That’s all I’m going to say about that, too. Just in case you get nosy.”
“Oh, sweetheart. We were so worried.” She let out a dramatic sigh. “Your father and I are having a blast. Of course, we stopped having a blast when we thought you weren’t doing okay.”
“Well, start back having your blast now, Mom. I’m fine. The bug wiped me out for a few days but I’m on the mend.” I crossed my fingers and squeezed them between my thighs. “Tell me all about Patty and her mushrooms.”
“Youaresick if you’re asking about our drug use. I’ll take advantage and tell you all about it, though.” She eagerly went into detail about the trip she’d gone on and how much happier she felt about the kitchen catching on fire. “I just feel like we’re all in the right place, you know? You’re where you were meant to be and we couldn’t be happier for you. I’m sure you’ve seen that there are some people who disagree with your relationship with the boys but fuck ‘em. Love is love, baby, and you’ve got it in spades from those boys. Even if they haven’t told you yet.”
Emotion clogged my throat and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say anything because if I opened my mouth I was going to sob. My heart broke all over again, not just for me but for my parents.
Jud slipped the phone from my hand and cradled my head to his stomach as he talked to my mom. “Hey! I stole the phone from Ada to say hi. How are you and Ken liking shrooms?”
I could hear Mom’s laughter, despite the phone not being on speaker. The sound of her happiness gutted me and then I felt even guiltier for being jealous of my mom’s happiness. I was a mess.
