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My gut clenches. She’s spent her life worrying the rug was about to be tugged from beneath her and it seems it happened time and time again. So no wonder she fights for control and is so determined to do everything herself. She’s always had to. She never lets other people help—or not much at any rate, which infuriates me, even though I’ve learned she’s been let down by the people she should have been able to trust most. Her parents. And that’s something I can well understand.
‘It’s worse now Lukas is here.’ She glances at the plane again. ‘I’m horribly overprotective.’
Yeah, I know the feeling. ‘I guess that’s pretty normal,’ I mutter as I glance down at him in my arms. ‘He’s utterly defenceless. He doesn’t just need protection, he needs everything. He’s completely reliant on you for survival.’
‘On us,’ she says softly.
Right. I have to pause for a moment as warmth bursts in my chest as if a damned firework’s been ignited in there. That’s the first indicator from her that we’re a team and in this together. And even though she’s the one who’s prevented this, that she now acknowledges it brings a burn of satisfaction to me.
We board and strap in. There’s a cot for Lukas but for take-off I place him in her lap and she uses a baby belt that’s attached to hers. Despite what she’s acknowledged, I know better than to offer to take him for this moment. I know she can’t give him over to me yet. But I can be there for them both. Her face pales but I suspect that it’s not just the flight bothering her but the enormity of this action. I don’t dismiss how hard this has to be for her.
Once we’re settled I reach across and take her hand in mine. She closes her eyes but doesn’t pull away. I know she doesn’t want to need me, but that she takes my touch soothes something inside me. I can’t resist leaning closer on the pretext of looking at Lukas. Although I want to look at him too. As the plane accelerates down the runway her hand twists and she holds me back. Tightly. An electrical pulse charges between us and the only response I’m capable of is to hold her even more tightly. A shiver runs through her and she opens her eyes and looks straight into mine. Hers are an even deeper brown than usual and I don’t think that emotion is fear.
It takes everything not to lean in and kiss her. Yet despite that keen frustration victory hums in my veins. Our physical compatibility is undeniable and right now I feel like a damned saint. I’ve been living like a monk for months. So not me. I work hard. I like reward. I like knowing I can get what I want. Her smile is what I want and her body is next on the menu.
Except it can’t be. There’s Lukas. There’s all this complication.
I release my seat belt as soon as we’ve levelled out, and pull together a snack plate for her. Keeping myself busy is the only way I can get through this.
I take Lukas from her and settle him into the cot that’s been installed in the plane. The cabin door is locked. I told the flight crew not to disturb us when we first boarded. I pass her the papers I printed early this morning before leaving the holiday home in Queenstown.
‘Will you look through these résumés and let me know if you have a preference?’ I ask. ‘I’ll arrange interviews for the top three as soon as we land.’
She looks confused. ‘For what position?’
‘I have a cleaner and a team who come and look after the grounds as well as a chef who’s onsite for some of the week and leaves meals for the weekends. But this is the first nanny I’ve had to employ and I assumed you’d want to have input into that decision.’
‘You want Lukas to have a nanny?’ She’s arctic and there’s no way she’d take my hand now.
But I expected a spiky response from Ms I-Don’t-Need-Anything-From-Anyone.
‘You worked right through your pregnancy and continued the moment you left hospital after giving birth,’ I point out calmly. ‘You need a break. Lukas needs you to have a break. To sleep.’
‘I don’t need a break.’
‘The dark circles under your eyes tell a different story.’
Her back straightens. Yep, just made her spikier. Too bad.
‘The nanny isn’t making any major parenting decisions.’ I aim to inject a little levity. ‘It’s enough that the two of us will probably debate them intensely. I’ve no doubt we’ll overthink our way around all sides of any issue and won’t need any outside interference to make it worse.’
She shoots me a look but to my pleasure she can’t hold her smile for long. She actually chuckles. ‘I don’t want to disagree with you.’
‘Then don’t,’ I reply, as if it’s the most obvious answer ever. But I feel a ridiculous level of relief and I smile back at her. ‘You can’t do it all by yourself, all of the time. You don’t have to. Not any more. You can share the load.’
‘Like you do?’
‘I have plenty of people who support me—I just told you only a few of my home team. So let’s get a nanny to tend to him for the late night feed. Just that one. We’ll see how it goes and then assess. Okay?’
She doesn’t actually know I’m being uncharacteristically reasonable here so she can’t appreciate my effort in that regard.
‘Okay,’ she mumbles. ‘Thank you.’
I can’t resist teasing her more so I lean really close. ‘Pardon? I didn’t quite catch that.’
‘Thank you.’ But there’s a defiant gleam in her eye as if giving me thanks is the last thing she wants to do.
And yeah, it’s the last thing I want from her. I do want her time and attention. Her company. But somehow that has to be separate from all this and I can’t see how that’s possible so I pull back.
