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But I don’t have that choice. Not really.
Maya straightens and nods her head. “I know you do. I’m not suggesting otherwise. Running would only buy us a little time. And I have no doubt we’d always be worried and looking over our shoulder.”
I furrow my brow. “If you’re not suggesting we make a break for it, then what are you suggesting?”
She lifts her chin, and she meets my eyes resolutely. I know that look well. It means that whatever she is going to say next is going to be something I am not going to like. But she has already made up her mind, whether I approve or not.
“I understand that you have to go. But that doesn’t mean I can’t come along with you to find them. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
CHAPTER 20
MAYA
My eyes keep burning awake. With Revnan fast asleep at my side, I should be slumbering, too. I should be basking in the beautiful melancholy of this moment.
Should be.
But my eyes keep burning awake, trailing a yellow watermark on the ceiling above me, following it across the room, to the floor, and back again. I want it to lead somewhere, like our plan. I want to be comfortable, thinking that it will work and save us. But what I want and what I think should happen just don't line up with how I feel.
The truth is, we’re grasping at straws. We have vague sensations, theories, and a few possible memories, but not enough knowledge to make sense of it all. It all sounds crazy, and maybe it is. We might be wrong about any part of this, or all of it.
Still, the fact that we both seem to feel the same strange deja vu feeling when we talk about it makes me think that we’re not. Even if we aren’t, though, I’m not sure what any of it means.
I turn over to face him, still held in a peaceful slumber, the truth about what awaits us far from his mind. Perhaps I’m too much of a realist to cling to that hope, or maybe there’ve been too many nights like this one, laying awake, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I heave a heavy breath and start to rise from the pallet, only to find Revnan clinging to me with his arms.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he asks, tucking me in further by wrapping a massive furry leg around me. I can’t help but smile, despite myself. Realist or not, there’ve been too few opportunities in my life to relish being in someone’s arms like this.
“Nowhere,” I tell him, pulling his huge arms around me again and tucking my head under his. “I’m just so anxious about today. I really think we should stay together.”
“We’ve been over this. I’ll get back to my troop and come back for you after the war when it’s safe.”
“I just don’t think that time will come,” I admit, pulling his face to look at me. “There’s no peace for Armstrong.”
“But I’m walking towards the conflict.”
“I still think it’s safer with you than anywhere else in the universe.”
“Suppose you get killed?”
“I’d rather live a week with my fated mate than a lifetime without him.” But the furrow in his brow tells me he still isn’t convinced.
“C’mon,” he says, tucking me in once again, “Let’s try to sleep while we can.” Soon enough, he’s snoring again, and I’m back to studying the watermark on the ceiling. I can’t help but feel bad, leaving my family to disappear behind enemy lines. Running into danger with him, only to watch him rejoin his troop without me.
I pull myself out of his arms, heading to a window with just enough light peeking in for me to take in the day ahead of me. The nervous twisting of my stomach, usually caused by hunger, is this time in a tug of war with itself. Suppose we ditch this plan and simply run away together?
In the face of doubt, and with the dawn just beginning to shine on my face, an option occurs to me that I hadn’t considered. I pull my hands together and drop my head for a silent prayer.
Ataxia came to Revnan in his darkest hour, he says. I wonder if she’ll appear to me if I make this solemn request out loud. With my mind concentrated, I beg this one small thing of the universe at large.
“Maybe it’s too much to ask to be together now,” I start, unsure what to say, or even who to say it to. Perhaps Ataxia doesn't respond to humans, but then, I’ve never been big on human gods, either.
“So, to whoever’s listening, anyone at all, maybe it’s too much for us to be together now. Maybe forces work against us that we can’t outweigh, maybe the odds just aren't in our favor. But please, give us a future, at least. We deserve to be together in some sense of the word. So I beg you, please. Don’t take him from me forever.”
We wake a few hours later, with the broad daylight shining into the schoolroom and a purpose, albeit not a very united one.
“Do we have enough hydration packs?” he asks cautiously. We’ve already fought about what awaits us a half dozen times since waking, and neither of us wants to start that up again.
